


Regret

by Uncle_G



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Suicide, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, many trigger warnings, mentions of bullying, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2019-08-03 08:45:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16323002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uncle_G/pseuds/Uncle_G
Summary: A struggling Leni finds comfort in the arms of in her older sister's worst enemy, Carol Pingrey, but Leni can't decide if things are actually getting better or worse. A lot of trigger warnings, you'll find them inside.





	1. The Bridge

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this story, there's not enough LenixCarol going around... thats going to change. This story is cross posted to Fanfiction.net, Over there you can view to old version of this story. This is the rewritten one. I hope you guys like this, leave a comment if you'd like. There's also a T.V. Tropes page one of my readers was kind enough to make but it does have future spoilers.

_**Trigger Warnings:Suicide, Self harm, mentions of bullying, anxiety, and self loathing.** _

November 12

The winds were bitterly cold and biting that night, seeping deep into the depths of her flesh, but Leni didn't mind - - the stinging cold numbed her to the painful thoughts running rampant in her head… it only made her next choice slightly less frightening than it really was.

Before she exited her home for the last time, Leni had made sure she told everyone she was going on a walk, a  _really long_  walk that might keep her out for a  _really long_ while. Nobody seemed to acknowledge it, but Leni was used to that; there was still part of her wanting someone to tell her to stick around though.

Before now, she wanted attention, she tried hard to get it, tried to fit in, to be part of the family... it never worked, no matter how hard she tried she would always be the outlier. She had no intentions of returning to that wretched house, even if she somehow survived her next stunt.

After wandering for an eternity, Leni found herself on a one-lane bridge. Low traffic meant she had a lower risk of being stopped, not that anyone would probably want to stop her. Leni sat on the wooden railing, looking down at the steep drop.

The bridge passed over a deep rocky ravine; if one were to travel down it from either of the sides near the bridge's ends, they could probably make it down safely - - if they were well equipped. If one were to freely jump from the center of the bridge however, they would be facing a forty-two-foot drop onto the jagged rocks below.

Lining the edges of the ravine were trees with red and orange leaves, further adding to the beauty of the scene even if the colors dulled in the ghostly moonlight. Leni tool in a deep breath, filling her lungs to their mac capacity with the icy air. Everything leading up to this moment felt miniscule in comparison to the beauty of the scene. Dying here seemed poetic, a serene finale to her heavy life.

Both Leni's teachers and parents were trying to push her to perform to perfection, to be like her older sister Lori. " _Why don't you try to be more like Lori?_ " That was the literal expression they would use, it's how it was since the sixth grade. This year had been especially taxing on her and the school year wasn't even half way over, she couldn't even imagine what the rest of the year had in store for her.

With the arrival of eleventh grade, they had been breathing especially hard down her neck at every moment, wanting her to get into a college and make something of herself. Her parents said they wanted the best for her, but she couldn't bring herself to believe them… how could she? They wanted her away, she knew that without a doubt, why else would they keep adding weight to her already burdened shoulders?

No matter how hard she tried, her grades didn't seem to rise more than a few points before going back down even lower, her best simply wasn't enough, it never was, and when her best wasn't enough her teachers and parents thought it would be a good idea to throw more work at her. Leni had no friends, she never had time and if it wasn't that, everyone was off put by her stupidity which they rumored to come from a mental disorder. She remembered a doctor saying it too (so she guessed the rumors weren't too unfounded), her parents had taken her to take an IQ test with a psychologist a couple years back, but she was so stressed at the time she couldn't focus.

Eventually the horrible results got out. She spent countless nights crying herself to sleep while her sisters remained oblivious as the vicious rumors about Leni danced in circles around school, careful to avoid the ears of the Loud sisters. It wasn't fair, she deserved a second chance at the test, when she could actually focus. Lori was too enamoured with Bobby to notice her crying at night. Her sibling, Leni realized, were cruel.

It wasn't only them, the whole world was too cruel and full of hurtful people. All she ever heard on the news was bad things that filled her with fear, made her afraid of going outside or making friends. People were horrible, and Leni had experienced some things first hand that really hammered those nails deeper into the tissue of her brain.

Maybe she was a cruel person too, and that's why her body was littered with scars; she was just as bad as the rest of them. Maybe that's why she was so unbelievably angry when she got her IQ test results and acted cold towards her siblings. How could she blame others for hating her when she hated herself in the first place? The logic just continued to jumble itself around in her head until she didn't know what was right or wrong anymore.

When she tried approaching her parents about her dire situation, they were too busy helping everyone else, and when it was Leni's turn for attention, they would always be 'too tired' and then they would then retreat to their room.

' _We'll deal with it tomorrow_ ' They would say.

But tomorrow would always become the day after, before becoming a week, and then eventually her parents forgot their daughter asked for help in the first place. Leni's worries about everything soon became horrible anxiety attacks that often left her bawling in her closet, where she felt only a little safer.

Leni could only use it as proof her parents had already given up on her altogether. All she could count on was herself, the cards were stacked against her since the beginning. In the end, Leni was just tired of it all, so tired that part of her didn't even have the energy to end it all sooner.

' _Money and attention were both rare in the Loud House,'_  Leni thought, commentating her last moments as she looked down to the ravine below. At least now, her parents wouldn't spend anymore money on her, and then maybe they could save more, one less mouth to feed; All shallow justifications for her actions, but deep down her reasons for suicide were more selfish. She still tried all she could to make herself feel like this was the right option. ' _Maybe Luna will get to go to college instead.'_

Leni got fully over the railing of the bridge, her hands literally gripping the old wooden structure for dear life. She was now standing with nothing in between her and hopefully the peace she wished for, but fear still pulsed violently through her veins - - this would be permanent, she knew full well she wouldn't be able to take this one back.

Her birthday was supposed to be tomorrow, but the superficial attitudes her family would be displaying for her wasn't something she wanted to be around; instead they would mourn and move on, and Leni would be no more than a short story the others would tell their kids years down the line. Tomorrow she would be the same age as Lori for the next five months until Lori was finally an adult.

And Leni hated that.

Once again that would be yet another accomplishments that Lori held over her. None of the other siblings would ever feel like she did, they were all content with their lives, they had found their callings. Leni guessed it was just the curse of being second oldest.

She closed her eyes, feeling the cool breeze against her skin. Leni's grip on the rail gently ease, and her body began leaning forward. The fear in her chest turned into an erratic fluttering - - Leni wondered if she would die of a heart attack before she would hit the ground.

' _This is it._ ' She thought, finding herself surprised at the tears forming in her eyes. She didn't know whether they were from a deep sadness or from an elated happiness.

"What are you doing?!" A feminine voice shrieked from behind her said. Leni became aware of tugging on the back of her collar, and then an arm wrapping itself around her waist. She mentally berated herself for not jumping sooner, but like always her shortcomings were always her own fault.

"Can you, like, let me go?" Leni tried to snarl but her voice broke before she could put her walls back up. "Please?"

"No," Was the simple response. "How about you get over here, and we talk. If you still want to jump afterwards, I'll let you."

It seemed like an unfair trade. Leni knew her mind couldn't be changed now but complied anyways, she'd lasted nearly seventeen years so far, a few more minutes wouldn't hurt her.

The girl kept a hand gripped around Leni's forearm as she got back over the edge. Leni turned to face her, and got a good look at her. Her hair was long and blonde, seemingly pointing off to the right near the ends. She wore an electric purple eyeshadow and button up sweater, and a brown checkered skirt. Had she not been so surprised she hadn't hit the bottom of the ravine, Leni would have admired the newcomer's style. A look of something between concern and anger shrouded new girl's face. Leni was not off put by this though, she didn't really care.

"I was just admiring the beauty." Leni said nonchalantly. She was used to being used, of being taken advantage of, this person probably had some type of selfish reason for saving her, the girl however, remained unconvinced. "Why did you grab me like that?"

"I'm Carol, and because I value life, and you have a family to live for. Aren't you Lori's sister? How would she feel?" The blonde asked. When she saw a shadow pass over Leni's face, she knew she said something wrong.

"Of course I am, just Lori's sister. It's all I've ever been. It's never just Leni. Why do-" Leni abruptly cut herself short. She turned around, and leaned on the railings of the bridge, gripping the sides till her knuckles turned white. From the peripheral of her vision she saw Carol tense up, ready to jump in to action and save her if she tried jumping again.

Leni suddenly remembered this girl now; if Lori wasn't talking about Bobby, she was dissing on Carol. The annoyance on her face soon turned to a look of sadness. "If my fam..."

It felt like the endless hole gaping on her chest managed to grow, swallowing the essence of her very soul. It didn't matter if she explained it, it was a sudden realization nobody would ever  _want_ to understand. It was the flaw Leni found in the Royal Woods community, they could never really sympathize with her, or each other for that matter. If only this Carol felt how Leni did, they would both be jumping together, Leni knew how lonely she was but she didn't think it would hit her this bad. Thinking about it made Leni weep, slowly at first, before it became uncontrollable as if she was having minor anxiety attack.

Which she was.

Before she knew it she couldn't breathe, like a noose had tightened around her neck. She couldn't end it here, Carol wouldn't let her, no one would. Leni would be stuck in this misery for the rest of her days, being forced to endure the tragedy of her so called her 'life'. That was the scariest thing she could have imagined.

"Oh god…" Leni whispered as she clutched her chest. Before her anxiety got the best of her, Leni felt a strong arm wrap around her. She looked over her and saw none other than…

"Lori?" She whispered. Her anxiety thawed away just as quickly as it came, even if she was discontent with her older sister, the embrace reminded her of the good old times. Soon her sobs turned in to gentle whimpers, but one thing she couldn't get off her mind was how Lori knew she was here.

' _She read the note, she came to save me!_ ' Leni though, her heart skipping a beat. "Thanks Lori, I'm so sorry…'

"Sorry but you got the second best." Carol started with uncertainty. She wasn't taught to deal with these types of situations, she only hugged the girl because she thought Leni was going to jump. She might have not liked Lori, but she wasn't going to let her rival's younger sister throw away her life. She took a deep sigh. "I was going to a movie that starts soon. Why don't you come with?"

Leni's shoulders sagged as she realized her eyes were playing tricks on her in the poor lightning and Lori was nowhere in sight, but instead it was Carol, the girl she hardly knew. The realization dampened Leni's hopeful feeling, but she should've know it couldn't have been Lori. Leni wasn't that far out of her mind to believe Lori really came was she?

"You should just let me go. " Leni, said brushing Carol away from her. The contact of someone who was more or less a stranger made her skin crawl. This conversation was making her weary, any longer and she would lose all the energy she had mustered to get over the railing. Leni had left a note on her pillow, it was already too late to return home anyways if someone had read the note. Carol was a vicious dog though, unwilling to let her catch go.

"Look," She started, adding a slight offending tone in her voice. "I will not let you jump off this bridge. You seem like an alright person, so if you promise not to jump, i'll give you my number, and if you need someone to talk to, just give me a call, alright?"

Leni could see that that the blonde wouldn't leave unless Leni promised not to jump. Leni was actually expecting the girl to prank her, and slap her, or even push Leni's frail body over the edge herself. Leni gave a slight nod before speaking out loud.

"Fine." Leni stated… she already knew she would never call the girl. "As long as you don't tell Lori or anyone about this. I'd be embarrassed if they found out... they probably would be too."

"Deal." Carol said. "I'll give you a ride home."

"I'm fine," Leni told the blonde. She didn't want to take anything from anyone if she could help it, so she lied instead. "My house is just right down the street."

"No, it's really not, I know where you live." Carol beckoned for Leni to follow her to the car, a silver Honda Civic parked at end of the bridge. Leni found her legs walking towards and getting in the car of her older sister's worst enemy.

Carol dropped Leni off at her house, and to Leni's surprise, hugged the depressed girl tightly. The fashionista always wondered what it felt like to be genuinely hugged. She never expected it to be so discomforting; even less did she expect herself to be returning the hug that only lasted a mere moment, it wouldn't have been nice to not return it, right?

Leni found tears reaching the edge of her eyelids. She turned her head to the ground and pretended to scratch her eyebrow with trembling fingers to shield her leaking eyes; she hated being such an emotional wreck in someone's presence. After a moment she made her way up the creaking stairs to the place she regretted calling her home, sparing one last glance at Carol.

Leni thought the older girl looked sad but didn't think about it much after when Carol signaled for Leni to call her later.

Leni nodded, things would have certainly been better if only she had made it to the bottom of the ravine, but if Carol was willing to be her first real friend, maybe she shouldn't be so quick to go back and try again, still though Leni couldn't bring herself to trust the older girl. It would have been nice to have a friend, Leni thought, but her past doubts kept creeping up and keeping it real. Maybe Carol just saved her as part of a realy long joke, or didn't even have any interest in being her friend.

Leni went back into the house, and none of the inhabitants were aware of the tragedy that would have befallen them that very night; the note was still face down on her bed. She was up late into the night, envisioning how the household would react if her broken body had been discovered. Well after two in the morning, Leni found herself crushed by the weight of loneliness. Leni picked up her phone and didn't even realize what she had done until the text was sent.

' _Too late to catch a movie?'_

The very next day after that was Leni's birthday, and she had turned seventeen. Leni often found herself thinking they should have been planning a funeral today. Carol called her later that night, checking if she was still alive and what she thought of the movie they saw together. The call was the gift that ended up being the best one she could have received, but Leni heart still felt as empty as it had always been.

It had only been four weeks since that incident, and already Carol and Leni were good friends - - at least Carol thought they were good friends. Despite Carol's unending insistence that it wasn't a pity relationship, Leni was still wary.

It was only half past four in the afternoon, but the days of December were already turning to night at this time. Leni was huddling in the corner of her bed, comforted by multiple blankets to protect her from the icy cold, and shield her phone's screen from any unwanted onlookers. Her eyes moved to the other side of the room where Lori was standing, face right next to phone talking to Bobby. Leni stared for a moment, watching Lori just fawn away over her Boo-Boo Bear. Seeing Lori so happy made Leni sad for thinking mean thoughts about her, but their relationship made Leni a bit jealous.

Leni might not have been the smartest, but she didn't need a high IQ to know that Lori would crucify her if she knew that Leni had become pals with her enemy. In the past fifteen minutes, Leni had heard her older sister say something about Carol several times. Before Leni got to know the girl herself, she would have blindly agreed with whatever Lori said just to fit in, now Leni wasn't so sure what to believe.

It was another one of her many, many flaws, though Carol was trying help her to boost her self-confidence and show her these flaws weren't problems. So far it hasn't really worked.

She turned on her phone screen, and there was a new message from Carol waiting for her. She already had an idea of what it was.

' _I'm on my way. Are you ready?'_

They had made plans to hangout tonight, they planned on getting some coffee, and then they would see where things went from there. Leni would be lying if she said she hadn't been looking forward to it all week. Leni waited a moment before texting her back - - she didn't want to respond right away and make Carol think she had no life.

' _Yeah, i'll be waiting outside.'_

Leni got off her bed, already dressed. She chose to wear a Navy blue dress and a jacket over it. Leni had pants on underneath even though they didn't really protect her from the cold - - style mattered more than protection. She got her pink brush from the nightstand beside her bed, and went to stand in front of the mirror, brushing her hair for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day. Carol had been nice to Leni, but Leni still couldn't help but feel nervous around the girl, she  _has_  to look good for her friend. Being hurt in the past really messed her up, but still though Leni found her in yet another friendship. She had to please Carol or end up being abandoned again.

Friends were sparse in her life, but pity was not, and Leni refused to like that. It was true that she still felt majority of the same negativity she did those four weeks ago, but she did think she was getting a little better, not that her family had much to do with it. They were still oblivious, and pretty much treated her the same as always, Leni tried her hardest not to hate them for that.

Carol had everything to do with the changes though, but no matter how much the older girl claimed the friendship was genuine, Leni couldn't let go of the fear that Carol was pitying her. Carol was pretty charismatic, Leni would give her that, but if she found out that all of this was an act, Leni didn't know what she would do.

She gently put down the brush down as if it were made of glass, and made sure to put her phone in her pocket. She looked herself over once more, and when she decided that everything was in the right place, she walked over to the door and left, taking one last glance at Lori, who was still on the phone wishing Bobby good luck at his newest job.

Leni made her way downstairs, careful not to be plowed into by any of her siblings. She would have to get downstairs and out the door without getting dirtied. Her luck paid off as she neared the front door unscathed, and quietly opened it to sneak out unnoticed.

"Hey Leni," A voice said. Leni was startled, her heart nearly jumping out of her throat in the process.

"Lucy, ho-"

"Lincoln, actually," And it was indeed him. Leni sat on her hands to keep them from shaking, but she couldn't stop her legs from quivering. "I was wondering if you would help me make a better hero costume, you see, a convention is coming up in January and Clyde's dad's got him a new costume, but mine is still out dated."

Leni was actually surprised that she was being asked to participate in something - even Lucy was included in the activities around here more than she was - though Carol was already on her way, so Lincoln would have to be turned down this time.

"Sorry Linc, I'm like going out with a friend tonight." She said softly, no matter how detached Leni felt from her family, she never stopped feeling bad. Lincoln looked disappointed but Leni quickly stepped in, touching his cheek softly. "But once I get back, I'd be glad to help my brother out."

He brightened considerably at that, and nodded. "Alright. I can wait until then."

He went to walk away, but stopped and turned around immediately.

"Who are you going out with, you never go hang out with any friends... Is it a boy" He added suggestively. Leni's mind drew a blank. Why the sudden interest in her life? If it were about something about fashion, she would have been fine, but she had no lies prepared for such a private question since no one ever asked them.

"Yes?" She blurted out, her mind wasn't even thinking the words before saying them. Lincoln looked like he was getting ready to shout to the other sisters that Leni had finally had a 'boyfriend'. Remembering how the girls had reacted when they thought Ronnie-Anne had a crush on him, Leni couldn't let that happen. She grabbed him by the back oh his shirt and pulled him back outside. "Wait, Linc, don't tell anyone. His name is, like, Carl and he's in the grade above mine… I wanna see if we're gonna work out before I tell the others."

Lincoln smirked, it was another chance for him to prove he was a good brother, but maybe even get some leverage out of it. "Alright, but one condition, I want to meet him."

Leni's skin crawled at the thought, the request even annoyed her a bit. Leni had wrongfully called Carol her boyfriend, if he went out there and saw it was actually a girl (or Carol for that matter), she would never be able to live it down, they would think she liked girls. One way or another, secrets didn't last long in the Loud house but Leni could try to keep it a secret longer.

"No." Leni said in with unwoted seriousness. Lincoln never really heard Leni use a tone besides her usual soft and kind one. He didn't press the matter further, but would document it later.

"Alright then I'll take an You-Owe-Me for any time I want, and is that their car behind you?" He asked. Leni turned around, and sure enough, Carol's car was parked right in front of the house. Leni nodded and turned to leave, Lincoln attempting to peak around her shoulder.

"If anyone asks, tell them I'm out with a friend alright?" Now it was Lincoln's turn to nod, and Leni gently hugged him. Leni got in the car and Carol, not wasting a moment, drove away.

"So, what was it you and Lincoln were talking about?" Carol asked, with a sly smirk on her face.

"Not much, he was wondering where I was going and then said he wanted to meet you." Leni answered, giving the partial truth. Carol picked up on the things Leni didn't say, and pointed them out.

"Why would he want to meet me? Unless, you said you were going out with your boyfriend. Does want to make sure 'he' is good enough for you?" Carol said playfully. The flustered look told Carol all she needed to know. "What was 'his' name?"

Leni opened her mouth to speak, but when nothing came out, closed it again. Carol was amused at the sight before her, Leni on the other hand didn't like being pressured like this. It reminded her of being bullied. The aching discomfort growing in her chest wasn't something Leni was going to bring up, she didn't want to ruin Carol's mood. Carol made a questioning sound, pressing Leni for an answer. Eventually, she did respond, but Carol didn't catch it the first time.

"You're going to have to speak louder than that Loud." Carol jested.

"I said his name was Carl." Leni sheepishly stated.

Carol chuckled at it. "Why, is the real 'Carl' not good enough for you?"

Leni thought for a moment, trying to choose her words carefully. "If you and Lori didn't hate each other so much, then I wouldn't have to hide you as a friend."

"I don't hate her, she just doesn't like anything I do." Carol said. They drove on for another minute in silence. Leni clenched her fists, Carol and Lori mending their relationship would help Leni out so much even if she and Lori were the best sister-friends anymore.

"Try doing something nice for her. Maybe she'd appreciate it." Leni suggested. Carol just scoffed at the idea. Leni tried again. "I, like, know how hard headed Lori can be, but it'd mean alot to me if you tried."

Carol just grunted, but considered Leni's words. The rest of the car ride was spent in a deafening silence, leaving Leni to wonder if she had said something wrong.

Their destination arrived not much longer afterwards. It was a little, locally owned coffee shop simply named " _Coffee Bistro"._ It's rustic minimalist design gave Leni a cozy feeling. There were few people in the store, sitting alone as they in enjoyed their coffee in silence. Leni nervously followed behind Carol in the unfamiliar place.

"I come here all the time. It's a great place to get away from those fake girls at school." Carol said as she turned and stopped, waiting for Leni to catch up. Leni thought Carol was one of those fake girls, but getting to know her made the entire difference. Leni guessed Carol was fake though, the older girl was actually kind to Leni, but somewhat stuck up at school. Leni found the thought interesting.

"Where are we sitting?" Leni asked her. She had never been in this place before, and was more comfortable with Carol making all the decisions.

"Let's order first, then we'll decide."

"Then what are we ordering?" Leni asked timidly.

Together they walked up to the cashier, Leni observed Carol ordering from a few steps back.

"How may I help you?" He asked.

Leni looked at the menu as Carol ordered a 'Caramel Mocha'. When the cashier turned towards Leni to take her order, her mind went blank. She stared at the menu for more than a moment, until her silence became uncomfortable and Carol giggled at her. Eventually she decided to take what Carol had. If it was good enough for Carol to order then it must have been above standard.

"I'll just have what she's having. With Mint flavor" Leni said softly. Carol was already digging through her handbag for money and Leni couldn't help but feel bad; she never had anything to give, only to take. Leni would have to convince Carol to let her pick the next place, where money didn't matter. Once their drinks were paid for, they decided to sit in the back corner. Carol checked her phone, and Leni her's. It was just now turning six. Leni set her phone down, and looked around aimlessly until a waiter came with their drinks.

"Here you go, Caramel Mocha" Leni looked up and saw none other than Bobby Santiago. Her mouth went dry, and Bobby smiled and sat the two drinks down as he saw who it was he was serving, missing Carol's presence entirely. "Aye, Leni, what brings you here? Is Lori around here too?"

She remained shocked. "I uh… I-"

"She's here with me." Carol said roughly. Bobby turned towards her and his expression matched that of Leni's. "If you tell Lori you saw us here, I swear I'll ruin your relationship, and then I'll literally kill you."

Bobby swallowed harshly, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. "I uh… I-, oh, that must be the manager calling me!"

Bobby scurried off, leaving the two alone. Leni dared to look at Carol. The older girl's brows were furrowed and her eyes were burning coal, no wonder Bobby got out of there so fast.

"Did you have to be mean to him?" Leni asked. Carol's expression softened.

"He would have told Lori, and you don't want that." Carol stated matter of factly. "I'm just helping you out. It's what friends do."

Leni chuckled nervously, and gripped her cup tightly, it seemed like another bully-ish thing for Carol to do. It made Leni a little sick. "I don't want to sneak around all the time, but I can't help it. I don't want Lori, to like, hate me for liking you."

Carol smiled sipped her mocha. "Leni, just try to think about what you want, don't care what anyone else says. Then if Lori disagrees, you won't be bothered… I'll fight her for you."

Leni pondered over those words. What  _did_ she want? Just barely over a month ago she was going to throw her life over a bridge, the only reason she hadn't done so again was because she had Carol to kinda look forward too.

There were many things she wanted; to be accepted for who she is, to be her own person, to not be the black sheep of her family, someone to love her - - the list could go on for all eternity.

She looked up at the older girl in front of her, taking in all of her details. Carol treated Leni how her own family didn't. Even if it was all an act Leni still found some sort of comfort. She finally realized what it was that she really wanted, even though she might not even get it. It was so wrong to want it that thinking about it twisted Leni's intestines to mush the rest of the night.

Leni  _wanted_  Carol. As a friend? Something more? No, probably more as a distraction from her problems. It didn't matter to Leni as long as her 'friend' accepted her, but it still felt wrong to her to want someone who could bring her peace of mind... was it selfish?

Even if her friendship with Carol didn't work out, at least it was a nice ride, it was like a drug in which Leni found some pleasure for a short time even if it would impact her negatively in the end - - she just wanted some good times before she died. At least, that's how Leni often weirdly perceived it, she was never really expecting this to work out in the end and that was alright with Leni as long as it was a nice ride.

More than anything, Leni wanted hope. If it meant risking another horrible friendship, Leni was willing to take the chance.


	2. Hookie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here's the second chapter rewritten, hopefully better. There's T.V. Tropes page for this Fanfiction, check it out sometime if you guys get the chance, it's pretty cool and really motivated me to not let this story go on hiatus again. Be sure to review, it helps me write better and motivates me to write this story. I know it took awhile but i got a new computer so things should go faster.

It was almost eleven o'clock when Leni got home that night; she stumbled blindly up the stairs to her house under the moonless darkness that wrapped itself around Royal Woods.

After the going to the café, they talked about Carol's student Council duties for a bit before deciding to go watch a movie, but Leni didn't really watch it. It was some scary movie about a clown that hid in sewers or something, and scary movies weren't quite her things. Only when Carol put an arm around her did Leni calm (even if it were only a small amount)...

There were two things on her mind though, that a simple arm around the shoulders couldn't fix. The first of the two things being that Bobby and Lori had a level of trust that no one else in the world could ever hope to have. Leni couldn't stop herself from thinking that Bobby told Lori, and her older sister was waiting in their room for her to walk in. All Leni wanted was to hang out with her friend in peace.

Leni didn't know exactly  _what_ Lori would do to prevent her from hanging out with Carol, however Leni knew that if Lori would convince their parents Carol was a bad influence, then they'd certainly ban Leni from ever going out with Carol. Lori didn't even need a reason, she could probably make her stop seeing Carol just because it was Carol, regardless of how Leni felt. The thought of losing her only friend was scarier than the movie they had seen. Leni's hands trembled, it might have been easier at that point to just stay out of the house all night, but who knew what creeps were out at this time.

The second thing was how long she could keep it hidden. This first slip up with Lincoln was risky. The second slip up with Bobby was nearly social suicide. Maybe Bobby thought telling Lori of Leni's betrayal would hurt her, so he stayed quiet? The thing is that there were so many possibilities (more negatives than there were positives) that Leni couldn't figure out which was the most likely.

Her world was a glass jar on the edge, Lori learning about Carol would be the last nudge to send it over. Then Lori would confront Carol, then Carol would let something slip, and at that point then the jar would break, letting everything it contained spill out for everyone to see.

She went inside, and all was calm and dark; everyone had retired for the night, giving the usually loud house an unusually eerie feeling. Leni could imagine what it would look like on a normal day. Lana would sitting on the couch watching some T.V. show and playing with some mud she kept in a bucket under her bed. Lola would take the spot on the other side of the couch, beautifying her already beautiful self for no other reason than vanity. Luna's music would resound from upstairs, shattering Leni's ear drums. Lynn would be running around with a football playing some made-up game she just created. The others were doing who knows what.

It gave her a sense of nostalgia; even though she considered herself to be the black sheep of the family (the others didn't have to say it out loud, it was the unspoken belief), Leni still had a place for them in her heart and loved them for who they were; sometimes she just wished for some peace and quiet in the house. She had thought that was what she was getting now but as she walked to the bottom step to upstairs, she found out she was wrong yet again.

Regardless them having school tomorrow, they were still rambunctious, just in the confines of their rooms now… Her stress caused her major headaches every so often and the noise levels did nothing to help that, this was one of those situations. It was time for past time for bed, any moment now one if her parents would scold the kids and tell them to get to bed.

She made her way up the stairs, so far none of the siblings came out to ask her where she had been, not that any of them probably even questioned her whereabouts while she was gone to be curious… as long as she didn't have to divulge anything to anyone, she was fine.

She continued down the hallway, stopping as she passed Lincoln's door. Leni remembered promising to help him with his costume. She peaked in to his room to see if he was even still awake, and found that he was. He looked up from his comic as she opened the door.

"Hey Leni. Need something?" He asked her. Did he really forget? Leni thought about using the opportunity to go to bed, but she couldn't let him down even if it was an hour to midnight.

" _I'm doing this cause I promised,"_ Leni thought. " _Not because I'm avoiding Lori."_

Leni had thought of several ways to take her life since that fateful day at the bridge, in fact it was what Leni often spending most of her time doing even though she didn't have enough energy to go through with any of them. If she had gone through in the original attempt, Lincoln would probably be the most devastated out of them all and Leni felt bad for even  _potentially_ making him feel that way.

But at least she would've been dead by time the aftermath rolled around. Lincoln did have a small share of things he'd done to lower Leni's esteem before, but in the end he was still the most sympathetic out of every one. At least now she could make it up even a little.

"Leni, are you alright?" Lincoln spoke up when the silence got too awkward.

"Oh yeah, do you still want me to, like, help you with your costume?" Leni asked while she shook the thoughts from her head, wondering where they even came from. His eyes lit up when he remembered the promise made not even five hours ago, though his expression then changed to a curious one.

"It's time for bed, do you think we'll have time? We do have school tomorrow afterall…" He asked worriedly, rubbing his hands together in nervousness.

Leni inwardly grimaced. She believed in peace and calmness, but she hated school with each and every particle of her being except for anytime she got to see Carol - which was still never - but at least for now she could use this as an excuse to stay up a little longer and postpone waking up to school a little bit longer. "I promised you didn't I?"

Leni looked around the hall, motioning to the other siblings who were still wide awake and noisy.

His face brightened again, it was enough for Leni to allow a small smile to grace her own lips. She didn't want to keep him up long enough that he would be tired tomorrow but at the same time she didn't want to fall asleep only to wake up to an impending school day. If Lincoln was going to be staying up anyways then she might as well fulfil her promise.

"Alright," He began, and reached under his bed, pulling out an aged folder. "I've had some ideas for a while, what do you think of these?"

He thrusted the folder into Leni's hand. She looked through some of the papers which were mostly composed of notes on the fabrics should be used and where each piece went. She saw her brother's design, and glanced at him to see him smiling so pridefully in his handiwork. Leni looked back at the papers in her hands and her shoulders sagged. It was exactly like his current Ace costume.

"What's the difference?" Leni asked with uncertainty.

"Nothing." He said smugly. "Ace Savvy needs no change, he's the perfect hero. My current costume is just getting a bit too tight."

Leeni resisted the urge to roll her eyes as Lincoln put on his costume, showing the sleeves and pant legs were about an inch or two short, and the neck of the costume gripped Lincoln, strangling the young boy to the point that his face turned red.

"S-See?" Lincoln barely managed to stutter. He tried to take the costume off but managed to get further tangled up in it. He pointed to his neck. "A… little... help?"

Leni became alarmed when he wasn't joking about it choking him. She jumped over to him, slipping her slender fingers in between his neck and the costume. Leni ripped the costume more easily than she thought, causing Lincoln to stumble backwards. Leni was horrified at the sight, but Lincoln caught himself before he could get hurt.

"Oh my gosh Linky, are you ok?" Leni asked. Her brother's well being was the first thing on her mind but Leni's very close second thought she had was how much trouble she would be in once her parents saw their only son hurt. Leni couldn't cope with any more scorn from her parents right now.

"Where are you hurt? Do I need to get the first aid kit?" Leni worried.

"Aww, it sucks it ripped, I remember when you made that for me, what, five years ago now?" Lincoln reminisced, picking himself and the ripped cloth off the floor. "So what did you think? About the designs?"

The white haired boy continued on as if nothing ever happened but Leni's heart didn't stop thumping in her chest. He folded the old costume and tucked it beneath his bed.

"They're good, right?" He asked.

Leni nodded slowly. She thought they would be more drastic changes, which in turn would have given her more time to spend with one of the only siblings who would spare her even a minute of their day. This wasn't a bonding experience, it was at most an hour long project for Leni.

"Wouldn't it like, be cool to create your own hero costume? Your own comic?" Leni suggested. She herself didn't know much about comic heroes, yet she found Ace Savvy's costume rather bland, and his backstory even more mundane.

"Yeah, but I can't make a hero that measures up to Ace. He's too great, literally. The latest comic sold a hundred thousand copies." Lincoln reasoned.

"How long has it been out?" Leni chuckled. Her magazine subscription was a pretty famous on and usually sold a million or maybe more every month, Lincoln's comics released less often and it only had a tenth of the sales.

"Its been out thirty minutes, and it's a monthly series. I mean, I want to make my own comic series but I think I'll have to wait until Ace Savvy hype calms down. Right now it's impossible to stand up to him." Lincoln explained.

Leni chuckled, these were the same thoughts she had everytime someone compared her to Lori. She didn't want Lincoln (or any of her sisters for that matter) to follow the same path she was taking of self-doubt, even if the opponent was a long standing multi-million dollar comic series. At least they would try.

"Why not, like, be your own hero? You could have like, any power in the universe. It's about doing what you think is fun, not trying to beat Ace at the start of the series or impress others, that's just like a bonus." Leni said, hoping to convince Lincoln to be his own person. Leni realized she was trying to help Lincoln when she was still trying to live in the expectations of others while finding out who she was, and was failing horrendously at both.

' _You're situation is different.'_  Leni thought to herself.

"Well I guess you're right, but still, i'm not great a designing comic characters yet." he replied, showing Leni one of his designs. One look at her expression was all he needed. "Exactly, you can barely tell what it is."

"That's why i'm here, silly, to help you make those things, right?" Leni patted his head.

"You mean you'd help me create my comic? I mean, aren't you just in to fashion, can you even draw good- actually, forget that, like you said we should just make something that's fun for us." Lincoln said. She nodded her head and Lincoln smiled up at her.

"Thanks Leni, you're the best, with your designs and my story skills, it'll be great." He told her, and gave her a quick one-armed hug.

Did he know how she  _really_ felt depressed and was acting nice just to make  _her_ happy? Of course not, she had been good at hiding her true feelings but Leni still couldn't accept the hug without feeling like she didn't deserve it, not with what she almost did on the bridge.

Compliments like the one he gave towards Leni were out of character. Only when Lincoln pulled away did she realize she had not hugged him in return. Hugs were foreign, she couldn't blame herself.

"I'm going to work on the story of the comic, and I'll get you in a few days when I need your help with costumes." He said, not noticing that he didn't get a hug back - if he did he didn't say anything. When Lincoln yawned and stretched his limbs Leni said her goodbyes.

"Alright, everyone else is being pretty loud, mom or Dad might come to yell at them so i'm going to go get ready for bed. 'Night Linc, Love you." She added that last part on for no other reason than she wanted to see his reaction and it was the start of her attempt to try and rebuild a connection in her family.

It was a risky move though. Telling someone you loved the. wasn't a common parting remark used in the household, but it was something that Leni just wished was said more in general between all of them. Leni wouldn't have minded if she were on the receiving end too, but this time wasn't an exception. She only received a questioning look in return from Lincoln; the look was a testament to how out of whack some things in this household were. Leni left his room, and headed towards her own.

She spontaneously remembered the whole Bobby and Carol thing as her hand touched the cold door knob and hesitated for only a moment, but decided to go in. If Lori had found out, then it was out of Leni's control anyways.

Entering the dark and chilly room she found Lori laying on her bed, illuminated solely by the glow of her phone screen. The agitation of the eldest Loud was visible with every letter she was more or less punching into her phone, the fragile device shaking in Lori's hands.

"Are you alright?" Leni asked gently. She could feel the room temperature rising with each step towards her sister

' _Why couldn't she be sleeping already?'_  Leni thought to herself. Bobby must not have told her, or else Lori would have already been hounding Leni with questions… unless she was so angered she couldn't speak right now.

"No." The oldest Loud said. Lori took a few second to send another text before continuing her rant. "So get this, Bobby called me after his shift, and you know what? Carol was there with a certain someone."

Instantly, a feeling of ice filled Leni's chest, and it wasn't from the cold room. How was Lori going to react; like the kids at school? Leni wouldn't be able to handle it, maybe she should just rip off the bandaid and confess right now. "Lori, I w-"

"Bobby knew her, but you know how Booboo Bear gets under stress, he forgets important things like the other girl's name, but she was blonde. It wasn't a coincidence that on his very first day at a new job, Carol is there. Maybe she was meeting with one of my friends, trying to get dirt on me, oh no is one of my friends a mole?" Lori was grasping at straws and it made Leni cringe. Literally.

Leni couldn't understand why she hated Carol so much, nevertheless, she knew the two girls had been friends at one point so it must have something major. Lori was always loyal to her friends "She's been trying to drive a wedge in between me and him for a while now, I just know she's up to something."

Leni cringed even harder so her teeth felt like they'd crack. At least Bobby hadn't told Lori that Leni was the one who was at the coffee shop with Carol. "Why not try and talk to her like, in a nice way? Maybe she would understand and it would mean a lot to me. Stress creates totes bad acne."

"No." Lori stated flatly. "I've tried that before, and there's nothing that will kick that woman down a notc-"

"GET TO BED, YOU GUYS HAVE SCHOOL IN THE MORNING!" Leni could hear her dad yelling up from downstairs. In an instant the rowdy kids silenced.

Lori grumbled and sat her phone on the nightstand beside her bed. "You would hate her, you're on complete opposites. Heh, maybe you could rub some personality off on her."

"I could try!" Leni chirped. "You know what I say, Yo-"

"NO!" Lori snapped. Sometimes her little sister was too naive for her to handle. "That was rhetorical… just forget it, get to bed before dad hears us talking."

She glanced to see if Lori was looking before stripping her clothes and changing in to her night gown. Even in the low light she didn't want to risk Lori seeing some peculiar scars where they were not supposed to be.

Leni wrapped herself up in her blankets; who would have thought such an anxiety inducing feud stemmed from two highschool girls. Leni preferred to stay neutral but the middleground was rapidly shrinking and it would not be there forever, she would have to make things good between the two enemies or be forced to choose one of them - - somehow Leni knew choosing one over the other would make things worse no matter who she chose.

Leni was hoping that Lori would take up the responsible decision and try and make peace, but she ended up being worse - - at least Carol didn't give her a straight up no.

Leni stared at the dark ceiling, her mind as active as ever. Why couldn't it be anyone else in the family, like Luna? If she was Carol's friend, she wouldn't be afraid of Lori. Luan would probably threaten Lori with an extra harsh April Fools. Lynn was the strongest in the house, it would be easy for her to stand her ground. Lincoln, Lucy, the rest of the siblings, they could all stand up to Lori so why couldn't she?

Something was missing from Leni, and that missing component made her stand out from her siblings. Leni hated it, she was angry that she had no control over anything. Leni was the sole passenger of a rundown raft, in the middle of a vast and raging ocean. They only thing she could do was take the force of the waves beating against her, trying to over turn her boat.

Leni pressed her hands against her face. Her head felt stuffy, it made Leni want to rage, to scream and throw something - - to go absolutely berserk. Instead she suppressed her urge to breakdown and calmly set her hands by her side. She could just internalize it for now and hold on just a little bit longer without losing her mind.

Leni took a deep breath and looked at her alarm clock only to see it was after two in the morning. She was losing her sense of time, had that much time passed already?

Leni let out a deep sigh - - this happened most nights when school followed the next morning but even then she would be somewhat tired right about now, instead a nervous energy coursing through her body kept her wide awake.

School was number one on the list of things Leni hate; it wasn't a place where she could learn, things just didn't sink in like it did for other students. Nor was it a safe haven like all the teacher said it was, it was a place where her intelligence was mocked by students and teachers alike.

She didn't know know how mean students could be until the ninth grade, when seemingly her whole entire grade had it out for her. It seemed like there was no one who stood out as the worst bully, it was all of them whom she had shared classes with for going on four years now, maybe longer. She could think of other instances of bully before high school if she wanted too but tried not to.

Leni tossed and turned over in an attempt to get into a more comfortable resting position but it was to no avail. She tried closing her eyes for several minutes, trying to think of pure nothingness in order to trick her mind in to going to bed. None of it worked with. Leni eased herself out of bed, pulled up by her racing thoughts.

The school administration had been visited by her so many times that at one point last year her guidance counselor told her that whatever it was Leni was going through was the way life goes, that she would have to deal with these things eventually and would have to find out how to deal with it on her own.

Leni found it ironic how the counselor said that, because the time that she decided to deal with it on her own she stood up to some of the kids and her parents got called, and then  _she_ was the one getting in trouble. Her parents managed to talk the school down from suspending her but the fact that they agreed with the school that she was at fault offended her. The only punishment she faces was having her phone taken for a week but it was still a punishment.

Leni only wished she had hit that kid harder.

Leni padded over to the door and snuck out. She couldn't stay in here, she had to occupy herself.

The whole ordeal angered her. They were assholes, how could they single her out like that? Maybe she just had the wrong guidance counselor or maybe it really wasn't the whole class bullying her, but still their silence and lack of action hurt. Even if Leni didnt make her suffering apparent, it's not like it was unknown. Anyone could have have stood up for her at any time. Leni could imagine standing up for herself again, just getting one good hit on the next person to annoy her and show the whole class she wasn't to be messed with.

Leni snapped out of her thoughts when her arm muscles twitched at the thought of hitting someone. She unballed the fist she had unknowingly made and tiptoed down the stairs.

' _You can't hit anyone because then you'll be a bad person too, you_ have  _to stop thinking about it cause negative thoughts are totes not healthy!'_  Leni scolded herself. She needed to relax, she always heard that warm milk helps with sleep though as far as she remembered there wasn't actually anyone who really drank warm milk..  _Just try it and relax.'_

Once she entered in to the kitchen, she went over to the fridge and got the milk and a glass from the cabinet. It was hard to see in the low light but Leni managed to find a glass. Pouring herself a cup, Leni then put the glass in the microwave and put it on for two minute regardless of the fact she had been told not to use it unsupervised for fear of burning the house down. That rule offended Leni but she supposed that it's what she deserved for always pretending she was stupid. She sat down at the table, and waited for the milk to heat.

Glancing up at the clock on the stove, Leni saw the time nearly reaching three. If she didn't go back to sleep soon it wouldn't be worth it to keep trying to sleep, she would be better off making some caffeinated smoothies to stay up all day. The others got up in between five and six which meant if Leni  _did_ fall asleep, she would only get three hours at most...

' _Maybe I can just skip school,'_  She thought. It was something she often thought of doing but she could count on a single hand how many times she went through with it. A break was something she needed dearly even if it was just for a day (though Christmas break was right around the corner).

All she would have to do was convince Lori she was sick, and then wait in her room until her parents left. She rested her head on her hands and closed her eyes. Her eyes felt heavy and soon she felt as though she might fall to sleep.

The sudden and loud beeping of the microwave startled Leni awake. She listened for a moment, wondering if someone had be woke by the sound; when no sounds indicating movement came she relaxed.

Using the edge of her blouse to keep from burning her hands, Leni slowly grabbed the cup and instead of going back to the table she carried it into the living room, and relaxed on the couch. She sipped on it carefully to not burn her tongue.

Carol wouldn't be too appreciative of Leni skipping. The older girl was trying to help Leni do better and scolded Leni about how important school and grades were, today however it would be a battle that was lost for Carol. Leni didn't care if Carol was annoyed anyway, a day off school wouldn't hurt her already fucked up grade point average. Leni sat her cup on the coffee table and laid down on the couch.

Leni closed her eyes before once again losing track of time all together. She only became aware she had fallen asleep when she was shaken awake.

"Leni?" The oldest Loud questioned. "What are you doing down here? You're still in your nightgown?"

A confused Leni stared for a moment before remembering where she was. "What time is it?"

"It's six-thirty and we're about to leave for school... did you sleep down here? You look pretty sick." Lori placed a hand on Leni's forehead. "You feel a little warm."

"I couldn't sleep, i just haven't been feeling well for a while and... I tried making some milk to relax but…" Leni curled herself on the couch, closing her eyes to prevent rising tears from falling.

"Maybe you should stay home from school, you might have a cold." Lori said.

" _Not that kind of sick Lori, why can't you just read my mind?"_  Leni thought.

"Ok." Was Leni's simple outward response.

"I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone when you're sick." Lori said. Leni almost took her tone for genuine concern.

The keyword being 'almost' Leni didn't actually believe it for one second. But an act was an act. "Want me to come back after dropping the kids off at school?"

"I would totes love your company …" Leni muttered. She didn't want Lori to miss out on school just to keep watch on her, but Leni was worried she might get too anxious if left in the house alone. "I think I'll be sleeping most of the day but this house is totes spooky when its empty."

Lori looked pretty pleased with Leni's response. "I'll let mom and dad know. You should go lay down in the room."

Leni got up slowly and made her way to her room. She passed the rest of the siblings on the way their way to school, each of them glancing at her.

"You're not going to school?"

"That's not fair, I want to stay home too dude!"

"If we gotta go to school she should too!"

Leni tried to ignore them but she could still feel her heart rate picking up as it suddenly felt like she was taking a horrible walk of shame.

She could still hear them as they went downstairs even behind her closed bedroom door, arguing about how they should be able to take a sick day too. Leni scrunched herself in her bed, pessing her hands against her ears and clenching her eyes closed.

' _Just a day of peace, PLEASE!'_  Leni yelled in her mind. They other kids still had not calmed down, until suddenly she heard Lori yell and all fell silent. Leni feared they might have annoyed Lori enough to let them stay home. She almost found a tear ready to fall from her eye but it disappeared just as quickly as it came when she heard the door to Vanzilla slam shut.

Minutes passed and there was still no sound. No creaking stairs, no slamming doors, and most importantly no Loud kids.

Leni felt her body shudder as her muscles untensed. She was glad she would get a day of peace at home. She laid back in bed, and threw the covers over herself.

She laid there for a moment before getting up and taking her blanket with her, going downstairs back to the living room. She plopped herself down on the couch and turned on the T.V. and flipped through the channels. Nothing interested her anymore, it was all so boring, in the end she just left it on the cartoon channel. Her phone vibrated.

' _You're not at school today.'_

It was Carol, Leni knew she would probably tell Carol she missed school later but didn't expect the blonde to figure out so fast on her own.

' _No, wasn't feeling well.'_

Leni wished she had just left her phone on silent and went to bed. She was sure she was going to get an ear full from Carol now.

' _Do you want me to come over?'_

Carol sent next. Was leaving school something friends did for each other? Leni didn't know; she was told that people who skipped out on attending school would ruin their future. Plus it was Carol of all people.

' _No, don't ruin your future by missing class.'_

The last message was marked as seen yet Carol hadn't responded. Leni wouldn't have minded, but she didn't want to admit she was self conscious about the house. Carol was rich, she probably lived in a mansion and the Loud House was far below her standards - - of course Carol had seen the messy outside but so did many other passer byers, the inside was personal and messy.

Besides, Lori was gonna be back any moment which Leni also texted to her friend and the message was subsequently marked read.

She put her phone back down, and went back to doing nothing. The droning of the T.V. was eventually interrupted by a knock at the door, causing Leni's heart rate to pick up. What if someone found out Leni was skipping and came to take her to school?

" _Jesus am i really that paranoid?"_  Leni thought. Yes, she was.

Lori couldn't have forgotten her key to the house, and of she did she would have called. Leni got up an inconspicuously looked through the window. She couldn't quite see who it was at the door, nor any car parked in the driveway.

She put on her best 'sick face' and opened the door, her face brightening up when she saw who it was.

"I was already on my way over here as soon as first period ended." Carol said while pushing the door open and forcing her way inside. "Usually i see you and your sisters getting out the van every morning before school."

"But aren't you missing school, like, what if you get caught?" Leni asked, worried Carol might get in trouble because of her.

"I'm pretty sure I told you before, I don't have a second or third period, I left right after first like I said." Carol stated matter-of-factly. Leni did remember her saying something like that before. "Technically i should still be at school but that's besides the point, anyways I saw the rest of highschool Louds apart from you."

"Lori was just dropping them off, she is probably on her way back, you're going to get caught!" Leni stepped outside and did a quick look around the peaceful neighborhood. "Where's your car?"

"I parked it in your neighbor's driveway." Carol plainly stated, as if there was nothing wrong with the fact that it was Mr. Grouse's driveway. Leni was more worried about getting caught by him.

Carol grabbed Leni by her shirt and pulled her back inside the house.

"Its cold out there sick girl, on the couch you go." Carol said.

Carol let go of Leni's clothing, causing the younger girl to stumble back on the couch. Carol jumped up and landed down right next to Leni.

"Wow your house is interesting." The older girl admired. Leni blushed in embarrassment, the house was clearly a mess.

"Yeah, its totes messy, nobody really likes to clean up after themselves. I,like, totes hate it…"

"I think it's cute. It makes the house feel… lived in? Cozy? I don't know, if you saw my house you'd understand, I like the aesthetic your family has going on." Carol said while stretching over the couch, she then ran her fingers through her hair while staring at Leni "So how are you feeling? What makes you sick enough to miss school?"

"I couldn't sleep. Totes bad headache. And like, i feel like throwing up." Leni shrugged.

"Nice, crippling depression isn't enough to put you out of school but a stomach bug has. You should get some rest. Lay down and get some rest." Carol suggested. She pulled Leni close, and guided the fashionista's head to her lap. By now Leni could feel tiredness setting in quickly before long blacking out.

. . . .

The sound of stone smashing against stone, grinding against each other as a massive rubbery force pressed down on it, the sound of gravel and a car driving over it.

The sound was faint, as there was only a tiny amount of pebbles and stones had collected at the bottom of the driveway but after years Leni could distinguish the sound even in a sleep, and it forced her back to a wide awake state of panic.

It was the horrifying sound of Vanzilla turning into the driveway.

"Lori's back!" Leni shrieked, yanking Carol of the couch.

Carol had met a lot of strong people, but the way Leni effortlessly pulled her off the couch had left Carol feeling shook to her bone.

Leni shoved Carol into a supply closet down the hall before literally running back to the couch and under the covers as fast as possible right as Lori opened the door. Leni was sure her thumping heart was so loud that it would draw Lori's suspicion.

"Did you see that Mr. Grouse has a visitor? Must be his daughter or something." Lori said. "I stopped by the store to get some stuff."

' _Please don't go into the closet,'_  Leni repeated in her mind. Lori held the front door open for a moment longer and in came Bobby carrying all sorts of grocery bags. ' _There's no way she just got some soup and medicine. Did she use me as an excuse to go shopping?'_

The thought of being used left a sour taste in Leni's mouth, but if Lori did indeed get some stuff to make Leni feel better (regardless of getting additional stuff for herself), then  _technically_  Lori did what she said she was… Leni still didn't like it.

"Hey Leni!" The young man said, clearly in a good mood. "Long time no see. My mom taught me the family soup recipie for healing sickness, me and Lori are going to make it for you. Its been passed down for generations, since my ancestors lived in mexico ages ago."

Bobby was an extra risk, the more people in the house the more likely Leni would get caught red handed with Carol. The couple walked in to the kitchen, talking about what they planned on doing later in the day.

"That's like, totes nice of you." Leni called. "I'm going like, sleep upstairs. The couch is too creaky. Will you please stay down here?"

"Alright, I'll get you when the soup is done. Try getting some rest." Lori responded.

Leni got up and immediately went to the hallway closet, her heart skipping a beat. Carol was sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, playing a game on her phone. Leni offered her a hand.

"We're going to my room. Its like, super totes not safe to keep you downstairs." Leni whispered. She guided her best friend upstairs, coughing loudly to cover the sounds of  _two_ people walking up stairs instead of one.

This was scary, she was one mistake away from creating the biggest fight in Royal Woods history. She didn't know  _why_ they hated each other so much, but there was no way that the animosity between them should be so bad. It almost pissed her off as much as it stressed her out.

Once they were upstairs and behind closed doors, Leni paced the perimeter of the room, thinking of a solution.

"Sorry for showing up, I should've asked if Lori was gonna be here or your parents or anything. I honestly it would be funny to play hoomie with you…" Carol apologized. She put her hands on Leni's shoulds to stop the designer in her tracks. "You're overthinking this. Len, i'm going to walk out the front door, and head straight to my car. When the time is right, you distract Lori, and I'll walk straight out. Alright?"

"But what about Bobby? Or the sound of the front door opening and closing?" Leni asked. The plan was frail, just one slip up…

"Bobby? You know how he is, not a problem at all. Just make sure you cause a big distraction, or even a loud conversation with them. Your problem is you always over think things. Relax a bit or you'll give it away." Carol peeked out the doorway of the room. "Lead the way downstairs."

Leni did as she was instructed, slowly guiding Carol down the stairs and to the living room. She could hear Bobby and Lori laughing in the kitchen, the sound gradually growing louder as the two girls moved closer to the front door.

Leni peaked around the doorway to the kitchen to see Bobby and Lori making a mess with the ingredients. Bobby had apparently spilled spices all over himself, and for some reason Lori thought it was so funny that she started snorting. The oldest Loud hugged her boyfriend anyways causing her own clothing to be soiled too.

Even if Leni was a professional at keeping her outwards emotion sunny, internally she was becoming increasingly melancholy - - and it was beginning to show too. It was almost like, Leni realized, she was feeling jealous.

Leni often wished she had a boyfriend, or wished she knew what it was like to have one at least. How happy it would make her to have physical and emotional support. Leni couldn't even remember how it felt to be hugged, really, genuinely hugged. It made her eyes water, salty tears leaving streaks down her face that Leni didn't even notice. Seeing them so happy highlighted her miserable life.

"Leni, you alright?" Bobby asked, setting down a measuring cup. Lori's giggling died i'm her throat once she saw Leni crying.

"Totes, why do you ask?" Leni questioned, plastering a wide smile on her face. The smiling made her realize the wetness that was tears on her face.

" _I probably look insane."_ Leni thought, just as Lori spoke.

"You look kinda insane right now, what's got you crying?" Lori asked as she walked over to put an arm around her sister.

"Yeah, I was practicing my fake crying just because… plus i'm like sick and my head hurts totes bad." Leni said. Lori pulled leni over to the couch, reminding Leni that she never caused a distraction for a certain friend.

As Lori was saying something that Leni wasn't really listening too, the fashionista threw a glance at Mr. Grouse's driveway. She did a double take when Carol's car wasn't even there.

" _Carol you sly girl."_ Leni thought, and suddenly the weight of overwhelming boredom was back on her shoulders.

If there was one thing that Leni knew for sure, Carol sure made her feel alive.


	3. Out of Business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might notice me answering reviews that aren't on the AO3 comment section, thats because they were on Fanfiction.net. Instead of Editing out any A/N's or Review Responses from Fanfiction, im just going to leave them in from now on.

**A/N: Be sure to check out that T.V. Tropes page, unless you don't wanted to be somewhat spoiled. Also be sure to leave a review, they are pretty good motivation to not have a long break between chapters. Check the bottom of the chapter for more A/N and update on next chapter, and review responses. Enjoy.**

Carol was not one for getting in trouble, she hated it beyond all reason. It wasn't Leni's fault - - Carol had nobody else to be pissed at besides herself. Even when she tried to avoid it all cost, she still managed to finally slip up and leave a stain on her no longer spotless record.

When she had left Leni's house on Monday fourth and fifth period had already passed, meaning by time she got to the school she had missed two whole periods that she was supposed to attend. When it came to either missing the rest of the school day or going to school, Carol chose to finish off the day. Regardless of the choice she made she would still be getting in trouble.

The first few days had come and gone and Carol hadn't heard a word about being in trouble for skipping, but she knew it was coming. Four days after that day on Friday, the final day before Christmas break, Carol was sitting in third period when she finally received her dreadful call up to the office.

When the principal scolded her, she remained calm and collected but inside she was a raging inferno of anger. Of course she had deep respect for Principal Hereford, but she still hated anyone talking down on her. Even when he apologized for reprimanding her, telling her he knew she was a good student but he ' _had a job to do_ ' , all Carol could think about was pulling out the rest of his hair from his already receding hairline.

The walk back to her fourth period class gave her time to cool down, but she didn't head straight back to class, instead, she went right for the girls restroom not too far away. Carol walked in the dim lit restroom and grimaced. Her father was the biggest local donator to the schools funding, but it pained Carol on a deep level to see that the bathrooms were still grimy and all but one stall was out of order.

' _If only dad had power to fire the principal…'_ Carol thought - - while her dad's donations did indeed give her some lenience with the top dogs of the school, they still managed to find ways to annoy her. The administration here never got anything done. Instead, she'd get all her stress out by asking Leni to hangout today.

The blonde leaned against the sink and massaged the bridge of her nose. Today was just one big headache, and it was far from being over. She still had to finalize plans with student council, finish her language arts essay, figure out why Leni really skipped school…

One look at Leni back on Monday told Carol that the younger girl wasn't sick. It was probably the bullies that Leni seldom mentioned, and even then the bullies were probably just one item on a long list of things that were wrong with Leni and Carol was already thinking of a solution. Speaking of Leni…

Carol heard the bathroom door creak open and saw the bleach blonde's reflection in the mirror.

"I see you got my text." Carol said without turning around. "You wanna hang out after my student council meeting today?"

"That sounds totes amazing, and yeah I got it. I always ask Coach Peterson to let me go to the restroom so he didn't mind letting me leave gym." Leni said. Today she was sporting a long blue sweater that could've almost doubled as a dress, with regular blue jeans and shoes. Carol admired how Leni could pull of any mundane look and make it a thousand times prettier. "I just have to say though I'm so so sorry that you go in trouble, like, I totes didn't mean for any of this to happen. Like, Lori is going to have a field day though…"

Carol shrugged, she no longer cared about it too much. She's just lucky the principal didn't call her parents. "It's no big deal, i'm already over it. It's just Mr. Hereford takes years to get to the point."

"Totes," Leni agreed. Carol smirked.

"Only troublemakers get in sent to his office, are you telling me you've been?" Carol jested. "Besides, surprised you didn't get called up especially since you weren't even sick."

Leni's face immediately reddened. "You knew?"

"Yep, this whole time. Don't forget we were literally hanging out the night before you were in perfect health." Carol said. Teasing Leni always brightened her mood, but now she had to get serious. "Was it because of anyone here?"

"Yeah, all these assholes at school have it out for me." Leni mumbled, leaving Carol shocked.

"Assholes? I've known you a short time but not once have I heard you cuss." Carol smirked. "My sweet ol' Leni is growing up too fast."

"I'm not joking!" Leni said defensively. Seeing the look on the young girls face made Carol feel a little guilty. "If you're going to be like that then I have class to attend to."

"Leni wait! I'm being serious now. If you use that word then it must be really bad." Carol tried recovering from the awkwardness she had caused. "Have you tried talking to the Principal? Or the guidance counselors?"

Leni nodded.

"And your parents?"

Leni nodded again.

"And L-"

"Everyone I tried going to." Leni cut her off with a slight wave of her hand. "Like, you already know it didn't work or else you wouldn't have seen me on the bridge."

"I'm sorry for that joke earlier. Maybe if we talk to the principal together something can get done." Carol suggested, scoffing at the idea that Principal Hereford didn't help. She thought maybe Leni didn't do a good job of explaining the situation to him. "And I plan on suggesting a anti-bully campaign to student council today."

"No! No principal, no campaign thingy, it's not as bad as it was," Leni tried consoling the older girl. "I just ignore it for the most part."

"For the most part?" Carol squinted her eyes at the young designer. "What about the rest of the 'parts'?"

"Well uh- I" Leni sputtered. She just wasn't quite ready yet to open up to Carol, even if they were friends. Instead, Leni looked at the time on her phone and immediately made for the door. "Coach said I like, only had seven minutes to use the restroom, and it's been eight! And by the way the real reason i skipped school was just because i felt like it. See ya later!"

"I'll get to the bottom of this, Loud." Carol called just as the bathroom door closed. She let out a deep sigh when the door clicked close. With fourth period halfway over she might as well get back to class, there wasn't a point in sticking around in the smelly restroom for twenty more minutes.

Her headache was growing in strength, there were a lot more questions she had about Leni than answers. Sometimes she wished she could just skip forward a few months and have more figured out already instead of going in seemingly circles trying to figure the girl out. Why did having a crush on someone have to be so hard?

Carol first found out that she had a crush on Leni long before the young girl even tried to take her own life. It was by pure coincidence that she found the girl she liked about to take her own life, and it only made Carol fall harder. It was like in the stories where the girl falls for the angsty guy, except only this time it was an angsty girl.

But Carol was patient. Only one time had Carol made the bold move to ask a girl out before, and her interest was met with a resounding rejection that ended in disaster - - a rumor about her spread and kids had picked on Carol for weeks. It was something that got left in middle school however, and that's where Carol intended to keep it. If friends was as far as she made it with Leni, then so be it. Leni was not lying when she said kids at this school are assholes.

Even if Leni didn't want Carol to take action, the president of student council planned to anyways. Leni had to be protected some how, the more entwined and infatuated Carol got with Leni the more she would be hurt if the girl ended up attempting suicide again and succeeding. It hurt her just as imagining Leni falling in love with a man and marrying him, while Carol grew up to be single for the rest of her life and Leni's next-door neighbor, longing for something she couldn't have so close by. Carol would be lying if she said she didn't write that scenario as a story in her notebook before but it would be better for that to come true than being in love with a dead girl.

Carol knew that some people would say that was clingy but it didn't matter, her thoughts were her own.

' _Please don't let the just be a regular high-school crush.'_  Carol pleaded to any forces in the universe that might be listening. ' _What would I do…_ '

Carol reached her fourth period class room and marched in without hesitation. Each of the students had gathered in pairs, teaming up to grade the essays they had been working on the past week - - desks had been arranged so that partners were facing each other. No student dared to look at her, to give in a mocking glance even though they knew where she had been. The legends of an angry Carol were enough to keep them from trying to further embarrass her, excluding the only courageous soul in the room brave enough to giggle. Lori Loud.

Carol shot her a glare but ignored her. Instead she walked right up to the teacher's desk and inquired about who she was paired with. Today was certainly  _not_ going to be her day.

"I hate to break it to ya sweet heart, but your partner is the only person with an empty desk in front of them. Go on, you already missed some time."

Carol's heart was already sinking whenever she scanned the room, hoping she wasn't paired with who she thought she was. By time she found out who her partner was, her heart had already reached rock bottom and froze into a withered grey rock. Lori Loud, the one who held the title of number one on Carol's list of people who hated her.

"Listen,  _Pingrey_ , I don't want to work with you more than you don't want to work with me." Lori made no attempt to hide the contempt in her voice while carelessly tossing over her rough draft. "But I need a passing grade and you're what I got stuck with so you better put your problems away and do the assignment."

Carol rolled her eyes at the Loud. If it wasn't for Leni asking for Carol to be nice - and frankly the screaming migraine she had - she might have started an argument with the oldest Loud. Carol might not have wanted to keep quiet but at least she could tell Leni she tried to be nice without actually having to lie about it. She just got out her own essay draft and handed it to the hot headed girl.

"Don't take forever Loud, I've got more important things to spend my time on." Carol replied. They spent a while editing each others papers in complete silence, not another word went between the two sworn enemies.

For the prompt each student had to identify and write about a phenomenon they found in their everyday school social life. Carol had chosen to write on  _'Social Exiles and the Discrimination Against Them'_  based on the second oldest Loud whom she had found herself spending so much time with lately. Carol simply changed Leni's name to conserve the young girl's preferred anonymity; she guessed it was truly an act of irony that Lori would be the one to read the work. Lori had done her's on  _'Herd Mentality Behind a Single Figure Leadership'_ , which Carol could only assume was about her. In another timeline Carol would've felt flattered.

Carol wasted no time and read the essay in less than a minute, making only few corrections in an attempt to be nice. Lori's writing in all honesty wasn't a bad writing writing if Carol were honest with herself, and all she had to do was wait for Lori to finish critiquing hers. A few more minutes passed, and eventually the two student's re-exchanged papers. There were far more markings on Carol's paper than what had been put on Lori's, and most of Lori's problems with Carol's essays weren't even genuine problems.

It was Lori raised her eyebrow however.

"You know you were supposed to critique and give suggestions on how to make it better, not just punctuation and grammar mistakes? We're being graded on how we incorporate the edit suggestions that were suggested, remember? You airhead..." Lori said this like Carol couldn't understand the assignment despite having the same grade as her.

Carol grabbed Lori's paper back her. She tried being nice, but if Lori wanted her to do the assignment 'correctly', she would. The oldest Loud was pushing it, but Carol could handle it.

"I tried being nice, but if critiquing is what you want…" Carol's voice didn't change from her usual calm tone.

Instead, she got her red pen and began filling her rival's essay with blocks of harsh and hateful criticisms, filling the margins with her pen, and in some areas where there wasn't enough room, wrote over the text to make sure parts of the original essay were indiscernible. If she had more time she would have continued but their teacher had called for them to start packing their belongings. Carol smiled smugly when she handed Lori her essay back. The expression of the eldest Loud was enough to make Carol's day even a little brighter.

"Maybe you're the reason your 'friend' is depressed." Lori sneered. Carol's face fell as Lori now smiled, the Loud knew she had struck a nerve. If Lori had known it was her sister, would she have still said the same thing? Probably not, but it still chilled Carol that the Loud would say something like that regardless. It angered her.

Lori could see Carol's eyes burning as if they were embers of a smoldering city. Out of all things that the Loud had said, this one was a burning stab straight in Carol's heart. Lori had no idea the rage that Carol was going to bring down upon her one day, instead as soon as Carol opened her mouth, the bell had rang, and Lori was gone with it.

" _Jesus fucking Christ."_  Carol thought. " _I need today to be over already."_

At least she had lunch next…

. . .

The meeting was beyond mundane and made Carol question whether or not she should just leave the club entirely, but she managed to put on her game face and powered through nearly two hours of it. The rest of the council had gone home, and all that remained was the presidents of each grade.

Someone had to lead the council and she didn't trust anyone else with the job. The next subject of discussion was the events that would be taking place the third week of January. Every year the administration allowed the Student Council vote on activities that the entire student body would take part in on the third week after winter break, and the second-to-last week of school; and then every clubs in the school would come together to make it happen.

Every year that Carol had been in high-school, the previous student councils had done a generic 'school spirit week'. In her ninth grade year, it was each grade-level had to decorate their halls with the best decorations; tenth was the entire student body dressing up in a different color each day; Eleventh was a variety of things. That brought her to her senior year,  _'Anti-Bullying'_ , a drastic change from tradition.

"So, that brings us to the New Year Spirit week. This is the Last day before the winter break, and we still only have one idea, the teachers to have choices." A young dark skinned man spoke. He was the student representative for the eleventh grade, who wished to go by his nickname, Brick. He had the same mindset as Carol had for the most part; his image of power and somewhat popularity something he wished to preserve.

"I do," The next person to speak was a brunette girl named Ali, the rep for the tenth grade. "We can d-"

"No." Carol cut her off. She wanted this meeting to be over already. Carol didn't hate her, but this meeting had been going on for well over an hour now mostly in part due to the brunette not knowing how to cut down on word count. Carol tossed her folder on the middle of the table. "We're doing anti-bullying."

As the other occupants of the table looked at her plans, Carol spoke them aloud.

"There's been some bullying going on in the school. More specifically, the eleventh grade." She looked pointedly at Brick, who just so happened to look up at the mention of his grade. He shrugged "We don't want bullying, and the school admin are apparently refusing to do anything about it."

"I agree." The Ninth grade rep said. He was a pale, scrawny, quiet kid name Jake; elected by his classmates as a cruel joke. His decision process was simple - - agreeing to what the rest of the council decided, though this time he could relate. "It's the only reason i'm in office."

"I guess I can agree." Brick nodded in agreement. "Yeah, isn't it that one girl with a lot of sisters you referring to? I feel kinda bad for her you know? She woulda been in a fight the other day it weren't for my boy T-bone steppin' in."

Carol clenched her fists until her knuckles turned white. A fight? This was the first time she had heard about it and it supposedly happened not to long ago; considering she found the girl trying to jump off a bridge when they first met, Carol didn't think the the younger girl would deal with her problems on her own by fighting.

"What happened?" Carol asked through clenched teeth.

"No idea, T-bone said it was something about boyfriends. I was unaware of most of these things going on, I swear," Brick said. " What I did know about anybody getting bullied I tried to put an end to, but teens are teens, they keep going. A few of them have gotten suspensions I think but it doesn't deter the others, especially when there's no names going around. The real question is is how did you not hear about it sooner? Lil' blondie gets bullied but so do others."

"What else has been going on?" Carol asked, daring any of the other students to speak up. The others just shrugged. Carol pinched the bridge of her nose. She tried doing something nice for a friend and it only got complicated, she'd be damned if this became a pattern. Ali spoke up.

"I tried talking to the Leni one time, I think that's her name, about it but she just seemed shy. All I really had were rumors to go on. When it's all the students against one, things get swept under the rug." The tenth grade rep said, shrugging her shoulders. "From what I saw of her she didn't seem too bullied. Besides anyone I do know who got bullied didn't get bullied too bad. Just a few mean jokes between friends."

Ali only had rumors to go off? Leni was a local legend apparently and Carol had no idea what was even going on. Was she not trying hard enough to stay up to date?

"That's why we need this Anti-Bullying Campaign, to draw out the dedicated assholes so that they get their punishment." Carol explained. "That's why we should vote for my proposal, even if it's my last year, an anti bullying campaign would make things easier for you guys next year. We-"

"Jesus Christ Carol everyone already agreed…" Brick said, one of the few people not afraid of interrupting Carol. "You got us sold on it weeks ago, you don't have to keep trying to convince us. The rest of Student Council agreed, we know the teachers will agree, but even if that's the plan we all vote for the teachers get the final say, and they want more than one idea even if we know they'll vote for anti-bullies."

"Principal Hereford is obviously going to approve the idea, but how do we make it interesting though?" Ali asked. "The message isn't going to mean nothing if the kids don't get interested."

"I've got a few more things planned besides what's in those papers; I just need a little time to straighten them out. Now time to legitimately vote. All in favor?" Carol asked, and everyone at the table raised their hands. Now it was finally the time to wrap it up. It was nearly five o'clock and she just wanted winter break to start already. "When we get back from break, we'll only have two weeks to finalize and execute this whole things. Go home, have a good break."

"I guess that concludes our meeting." Brick said, and left the room before all the others like always. Sometime Carol wondered where he needed to go in such a hurry.

"I hope you know what your doing." Ali said innocently. Carol just raised a brow and smiled as she pulled on her jacket. She knew exactly what she was doing.

When she found the primary bullies of her crush, she would rain fire down upon them. There was a period where Carol was completely clueless and for that she wasn't able to help Leni. Now that she had an idea of what was going on, She was going to do everything she could.

. . .

Leni stood in front of her vanity mirror, making sure that each detail of her appearance was in its place… and even after half an hour she still thought she didn't look good. The young blonde studied her features in the mirror. Her fellow students at school mocked her disheveled hair, her makeup too cheap to cover the dark bags under her eyes, her nails uneven, all things Leni never noticed until it was pointed out (except she had known a while her nails were uneven because she often chewed on them when she got nervous).

Even though she really did have dark spots under her eyes, those stinging words struck Leni deep in her heart, and she stowed them away in her diary, but not before the stress made the bags under her eyes darker, her face more pale and gaunt and her hair thinner. Leni had started looking so undead she had been given the nickname " _Corpsie_ ". Only recently did her hair start growing back and the color start returning to her face even if she still looked very unhealthy.

Leni decided to go with a simple blue T-shirt and her navy blue hoodie over top, and dark blue jeans to cover her legs - - pretty much what she wore to school that day. It wasn't too appropriate for the freezing weather but it was something that Leni didn't mind. Leni would have to go with it however bad or good she looked at the moment, Carol was going to be here any moment and she couldn't afford to waste time she didn't have. Leni stood in the middle of her room, thinking about what would be best to do next. Her thoughts wandered back to the imperfections the assholes at her school told her she had.

Leni kneeled down to pull out the drawer out of her nightstand entirely, and beneath where it was resided her three diaries, two of which had every line filled in (a hefty feat, considering each diary was more of a book, with three hundred pages) and the third was nearly half full. Then again Leni had them since the seventh grade. She pulled out the one that had a small black three in the corner of the cover.

She remembered writing down everything the girls had told her was imperfect with her appearance and vowed to rip out the page the day when those girls told Leni she looked good. That particular page got lost as Leni added more and more pages filled with negativity and hatred - or maybe it happened so long ago that it wasn't even in the third diary - but its not like those kids had ever ended up telling her she looked good in the first place.

Leni flipped the pages, only skimming random sentences from random pages to refresh her memories of some of the things that had happened. Leni tried so hard to forget things sometimes that it made it hard for her to remember anything sometimes; still though she couldn't help but look at the things she wished to forget. Anything she really didn't want to remember was crossed out with black marker.

Leni felt her phone vibrate, meaning that Carol was probably seconds away from the house. That was great, it meant Lori probably wouldn't be back from her date with Bobby by time Leni was gone. Leni threw the dairy back in the empty nightstand slot, and forced the drawer back in the conceal the three books.

' _It's interesting how many dark and evil secrets are hidden in the frame of that little nightstand.'_  Leni thought as she got up. ' _If even one person saw them I'd be ruined. All it takes it the removal of the drawer.'_

That  _really_  wasn't a lie. Leni had demons between those pages.

Leni moved downstairs quickly and quietly, as if she were a mouse seeking to remain in the silent shadows. None of the siblings noticed her. With each passing day it felt more and more like the rest of the family was a photo, and she was just the stranger in the background who was steadily going out of focus and had to be cropped out - - hell, it was like even Leni was forgetting about herself and who she was. Leni started to prefer it like that over time.

The second eldest Loud stepped out to the front porch and looked around at the snowy neighborhood. She did a double take when she saw brown hair and a purple jacket tuning a guitar. Luna looked up to see her second older sister staring at her.

"You need something dude?" The aspiring rock-star said with more annoyance than anything.

"What? No, like, just out here to wait on my date. His name is Carl." Leni answered. She looked away from her sister and stuck to watching the roads for Carol's car. Despite the number of times Leni's been her car, she couldn't remember if the windows were tinted or not, but hopefully they were dark enough that Luna couldn't see inside. "I mean, Lincoln knows but I don't want everyone to find out. You know they'll freak out, like, you totes know how they are."

Luna seemed to ponder that for a moment, before ultimately shaking her head in agreement. "That's true, but if you want me to keep a secret your going to have to owe me a big one bro. A real big one, got it?"

Leni nodded and grinned. "You're the coolest sister every Luna, like totes thanks."

"Is that your date?" Luna said, squinting at the silver car pulling up in front of the house.

"Yeah," Leni replied as she started her walk over to the vehicle, glad to finally be out of the house. "That's him."

"Are you sure?" Luna asked once again.

' _Why would she ask that?'_  Leni thought.

Leni just nodded and turned back to say something. "I might not be home in time for dinner, so like, just tell them i'm out with friends alright?"

"You owe me the biggest one ever dude." Luna nodded back, and Leni couldn't if it were the poor lighting or what, but Luna's face had a reddish tint to it and Leni could almost hear the rock-star's brain thinking. She picked up her pace, not want to see or hear what her sister had to say next.

One thing Leni loved about Carol was that as soon as Leni's door closed the older girl would already be halfway down the street.

"Which one was that on the porch, Lono or Loney or something?" Carol asked, causing Leni to crack a smile at those name guesses.

"She was Luna, the one that wants to be a rock-star or something." Leni responded.

"Oh that's cool I guess, but it also reminds me that there's something that I wanted to talk to you about too. Before I get to that though I need you to tell me where we're going, it's up to you, remember?" Carol asked. Leni did indeed remember but the problem was, she hadn't even given it a thought. There was just nowhere that Leni ever really wanted to go in the first place.

The real place Leni wanted to go wasn't in Royal Woods. It wasn't even in this country. Leni didn't know how to explain it. She wasn't religious like her parents or some of the siblings, but she guessed it was like what they called heaven, or the Buddhists and their nirvana, just anywhere that she could be eternally happy - - but there was nowhere in existence as far as she were aware, for now it was just a place in her mind.

"I don't know where I want to go. Nobody ever really wants to go where I want, like, I mean never ask." Leni said truthfully.

"Well a good friendship requires effort from both sides. If you don't contribute then we're just going to be a flightless bird, aren't we?" Carol asked. Leni admittedly felt a tad embarrassed, of course Carol shouldn't be burdened fully with the weight of what it takes to be a friend.

"Sorry, I totes suck with choices, I'm pretty lame, right?" Leni self-deprecated.

"I didn't mean it like that, what I mean is it would be pretty lame if I chose everywhere we went and you get bored of the places I choose. If you were to choose some places for us to go then at least i'd know that you were enjoying yourself, and sharing what you like." Carol explained.

"Well," Leni started. "If it means that much to you that I choose a place then alright. I know where I wanna go."

"And where might that be?" Carol inquired, smiling that Leni was going to finally reveal even a sliver of something she was interested in.

"You're gonna have to wait until after we go to where you want." Leni replied cheekily.

"Well, we are already here though. The mall." Carol beamed, getting out of the car and walking around to open the door for Leni. "Christmas is in two weeks, anything you want. Literally."

Leni's heart filled with ice, she knew as soon as Carol said mall that Carol was going to try and treat her. It made Leni feel horrible accepting handouts that the older girl was so eager to hand out to her. The walk up to the building seemed to take longer than usual.

"I don't want anything. I don't really celebrate Christmas." Leni stated, causing Carol to raise a brow. "I mean, there's nothing I want and I already told my parents to not get me anything."

"Interesting, but still i'm getting you something. If you wanted to get me something then you should make me a jacket. I heard you're pretty good at that kind of thing." Carol responded.

"Like, I guess i'm ok at it. It's just i'm kinda out of practice though, but me making you the jacket is your gift to me since you're giving me the gift of getting back in to fashion design. That way you don't have to get me a gift besides the fabric and other materials i'll be using for your jacket. Totes good right?" Leni said. Carol gave this some genuine thought for a moment, and Leni thought that her little speech would be enough to prevent Carol from getting her anything.

"I guess that makes sense," Carol agreed. "But that's kinda wack. What do you want me to really get you? I could literally buy you a quarter of a million car if you ask, a really big house with enough clothing in the closet that if you wore a new outfit everyday for the rest of your life, you would die before wearing all the clothing. Or you know, even just a pair of socks."

Carol might've been joking about getting her a new car, or a new house, but Leni doubted it. The Pingrey's would not be a name known internationally without having money to back them, but Leni wasn't worried about Carol spending more money than the Loud family ever had on a single gift for the worst of the Louds - - She was more intrigued that Carol needed to be told what to buy as a gift. Leni walked around the mall slowly with her friend, bringing back some nostalgia from when Leni would often walk to the mall on her own to have some time to herself. It'd been over a year since Leni was last here.

"I think it would be totes much nice if you surprised me. Like, i kinda think it's better when you put thought into gifts." Leni advised. "Like, i think like, when my mom and dad get the other kids whatever they put down on their Christmas list, it's lame that they don't really think about what the kids would like. Like… I think it's more meaningful to put love in to a gift. It totes gives meaning to a holiday that doesn't really have one anymore. I don't know if i'm explaining it good."

"I understand." Carol said. "My mom and dad are in China for a business thing, and wont even be home on Christmas. Celebrating with you means i'm not spending it alone."

"You know, like, maybe for Christmas we can have a sleepover." Leni suggested. Carol rolled her eyes.

"You know Lori wouldn't let me sleep at your house." Carol sighed.

"I didn't, like, mean at my house. Yours." Leni clarified.

"That could be interesting." Carol replied. She would have to give it some thought, though she would make sure that it happened.

They walked closer to the fabric shop where Leni used to get her fashion materials for years. Her heart dropped like a brick in the ocean when she saw the ' _Going Out of Business'_  sign. Yet another part of her was dying and fading away; it struck Leni in a way that she never expected. Her heart fully ached.

"The universe really does want everything related to me gone." Leni said aloud. "You don't know how much it hurts to see this place gone. I was a kid when it opened and now i'm outlasting."

"It really means that much to you?" Carol asked, placing a hand on Leni's shoulder. "My dad is a businessman, maybe he can save it or something."

Leni just wiped her eyes before they could start leaking. "No. Let it happen, no matter how much money your dad gives it, if nobody is buying stuff here it'll be in the same position. I came her often. The owner was always a nice man. It's just another piece of me that inevitably gets turned into dust. I'll just cry about it later."

Carol visibly shivered at Leni's words, the air around them was several degrees lower than outside. Hearing Leni talk in such misery blindsided Carol. It was creepy, like the real thoughts Leni had finally peaked out of their hollowed shells for once.

"You're a deep thinker, you know that right Leni?" Carol asked, not quite knowing how she should be responding to Leni's philosophies.

"I don't think so, like, I just have no one to talk to so I just think a lot to myself." Leni shrugged. The whole time they walked the aisle full of colorful fabrics, the only color Carol could see was how blue Leni was.

' _You have me…'_ Carol thought. ' _I guess when you don't have much, losing something you do have really hurts.'_

"Mauve is your color. You'd look totes good in it." Leni mused.

"How much of it do you need?" Carol asked, though she was still pondering what Leni's real thoughts were.

"I'd say about six yards." Leni answered. "I'd usually go with cotton for the insulation of the jacket, but since you're totes rich you should also get a few pounds of downy feathers to line your jacket, they're totes soft."

Carol just nodded, following the younger blond as she got whatever it was she wanted while she thought about the history of this place. Leni said she was just a kid when it came to town so it was a relatively young business. The owner was nice to her, and apparently Leni would come here often to escape from the terrible woes of her life… Carol wished she could've gone back in time to be here during those days - - there was just so much of Leni's life she wanted to know about since it was too late to be apart of the past.

"Alright, it's totes time to check out." Leni chirped, pulling Carol out of her thoughts. The walked up to the register and waited for a moment. A man with graying hair came out the back room and smiled when he saw them.

" _Tesoro!_ " He claimed. "You're no longer a kid, but you're still one in my heart. You grow up too fast!"

Leni only let the corner of her mouth rise before falling again. The man place his palms flat on the counter, and looked at Leni. Carol looked down at the ground when the feeling like some personal conversation was going on hit her. The man sighed.

"It's been a while since you visited. I saw you come into my shop before your birthday but you walked right back out. I hadn't seen you in a year before then. How's life? Better?" The man asked.

"Yeah, totes better." Leni said, looking around the store. "But like, can you say the same?"

"Business is bad..." The man admitted. " You can probably tell, I have to close down the store."

"Like, I'm totes gonna miss the place." Leni whimpered. "What are you going to do now?"

Carol scratched her head, secretly wanting to walk away as to not bear witness to something that didn't involve her.

"Sell what I can," The old man looked around the shop, seeing how empty it was starting to look. "It's a shame nobody wants your business until you're going out of it. I'm heading back to Italy, I have grandkids growing up there… not much left for me here."

"You have me...well, like, you should totes write me, I'll write you a letter every week." Leni suggested, batting her eyelashes several times. "And i'll never forget what you taught me."

"I'd never be able to rest if you did!" He looked at his watch and sighed. "It's almost closing time, for the last time."

"But what about these?" Carol spoke up, referencing the material they were there to buy. The old man laughed her off with the wave of his hand.

"Just take it, your sales won't keep me in business." the man grumbled, he stared at the store for a moment. "It's all going to waste. Take what you want, take the entire store! It will all be trashed by the end of the night."

"Really, that-" Carol started.

"No thank you." Leni cut her off while shaking her head. "I mean, we'll pay anyways. No point in like, taking it for free I mean. We came in here expecting to pay for it anyways so… anyways, it'll help you get back home and stay out of crime."

"Out of crime?" Carol laughed. "What'd he do, kill people for the mafia?"

The old man stared at her silently, his face solemn. Eventually the awkward tension in the air was suffocating. "Anyways, I'll write you Leni, I hope you have a better life. I won't retire happily until my granddaughters wear your world famous fashion line. It's sad to say but you must go on. Don't dwell on this place closing. We'll see each other again one day when you're rich. Promise?"

"Totes. See ya." Leni said, pulling Carol way with her. The elder went back into the back room, as the two friends made their way out of the store the lights shut down behind them.

"Who was that guy? He never said his name did he?" Carol asked. "What's his story? How do you know him, what was it he taught you?"

"That's the guy I wish was my real dad." Leni said, not really joking."That was Antonio, and you ask a lot of questions."

"Well, you already answered some of them, answer the rest. Does he have a last name?" Carol demanded. Leni just shrugged and smirked. "At least tell me about your relationship with him. He seems cool."

"That's totes a long story, for another time." The young girl cast her eyes down. "But i'll tell ya this. He taught me the way of the needle since before I was even in middle school. His friends in Italy called him the Sewer because he could use a needle like no one else, and that's how I became a good fashionista. He was nice to me when things were bad. Like I said, it's a long story for another time."

Carol pondered it for a moment, secretly petty that some old man knew Leni more than she had. Carol wanted to know  _now_ instead of later, but Leni wouldn't budge.

"Well did he work for the mafia at least?" Carol joked.

Leni looked her right in the eyes. "They called him the Sewer for a reason."

Carol stopped in her tracks.

"I was just joking," Leni laughed, until a cold feeling spread throughout her chest. "Wait, we didn't pay for our stuff!"

If Carol was honest with herself, she didn't really care; business was business and they closed all the time. Antonio? The only thing Carol really wanted to know what about him and Leni. She was ashamed to admit it to herself, but she wasn't really sad that he was going back to Italy, she only felt bad that Leni feeling sad.

For Leni however, it was a part of her shutting down. She was young when it first opened, and now she here she was, nearly a woman when it closed. True, it had been a while since she last visited but the her thoughts and feelings about it never faded.

The two friends looked back at the store. With the lights out, it was pitch black inside, the doors had been shut and locked, and the metal grate had been pulled down as well; even if they wanted to get back in it was nigh impossible, and Antonio was nowhere to be found.

Leni didn't know how long it would take it her to get over it.

**A/N: Sorry for any grammar mistakes. Anyone who's read the old version know that the scene at the clothing shop went very different, there was no Antonio, and it might be a bit before we see him again. Sorry for waiting for a month, but next update will come sooner. Leave reviews please, though i'll still update this story even if you don't. Reviews just help it get more attention which gives me more motivation to update faster. I'm trying to get the next chapter done in two weeks instead of a month, but at least it wasn't four months (or more) like in between chapters one and two. Shout out to Moon5555 who's been pm'ing me while I write this. Time for Review Responses.**

**_CDAC95_ : No problem, it's always nice to see your support, and thanks again for the T.V. Tropes page, you might have to make a lot more additions and changes to it within the coming chapters.**

**_Hatoralo_ : Yeah, I wanted to add more depth to her character, especially paranoia, so that it's just not other people that are Leni's problems, but her self as well and things she needs to work towards. Sorry to keep you waiting and thanks for the continued support.**

**Hallowfied Otaku: Sorry to keep you waiting, thanks for your support.**


	4. The Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you'd like me to respond to it.

**A/N: Surprise! Way earlier than you guys probably expected. Thanks to all the reviews, got me inspired to write faster, and thanks to my beta reader Moon5555 for helping with motivation and feedback. You guys be sure to leave a review, follow, and favorite this story. It'll help it get more attention and faster updates by motivating me. Rest of the AN At the bottom of the chapter.**

The sky was starless when when Leni got home on what could technically be considered the next day; even Lori dared not to stay out as late as Leni did even if it was the weekend. Their parents had a zero tolerance policy when it came to staying out late without permission, especially if there was a date involved.

Carol waited until Leni made it safely inside her house before driving away, leaving Leni alone with her thoughts once more. The interior of the house was dimly light by various miscellaneous objects around the house. She took a seat on the couch for a moment to take a breather, setting the heavy bags of clothing material down beside her.

Leni had tried not to let Antonio's departure ruin the outing for her. The movie they had gone to see after the mall had distracted her enough to keep the bleach blonde from getting too emotional, but now that she was alone with her thoughts it was a pressing matter once more.

Leni could tell Carol really didn't care about it, why would she? Carol didn't know him like Leni knew him. Carol hadn't been treated like shit for a good portion of her life, and one of the only lifelines she had was an old Italian man. Leni could tell that Carol was trying to be supportive, but it only made Leni's melancholiness increase. She wished there was someone who knew Antonio like she did that she could talk too, but the only person was Antonio himself.

" _I'll have to wait until he sends me a letter…'_  Leni thought. Once he sent her a letter, she would have an address to write him back too which would be nice.

Leni thought about the first time she had went in to his shop, on the first day it had opened. She was just a few weeks in to her first year of middle school; just before first signs of her future misery would start appearing. The Louds were just shopping at the mall like usual, and Leni ended up wandering off on her own when she stumbled upon the place. Leni had been interested in fashion for years by then so it only seemed natural for her visit a cloth shop.

At first Antonio had thought her parents had sent her in alone to steal from his store but once he realized she was genuinely interested in his business, he had taken a liking to her… that didn't stop her parents from being furious when they found the daughter they thought they had lost.

Leni shook her head out of those thoughts when she thought she heard a creak coming from behind her. She listened for a moment and looked at the dark kitchen doorway while she wiped the tears from her eyes. Silence was the only thing ringing in her ears. Suddenly, a burst of light blinded her, and from the brightness came a looming figure who's form Leni couldn't quite catch.

"You're home late missy." Said a voice that could only belong to her father. Once her vision adjusted she could see his stern face clearly. "I oughta ground you for the rest of the break and take your phone…"

Her dad looked behind him to make sure no one else was there.

"Look kiddo, your mom has been in a very bad mood lately. If she catches wind of your shenanigans then she's gonna be taking it out on me too." Her dad whispered in more understanding tone, approaching his daughter slowly. "Me and your mom were like you once, but I swear Leni if you were out there running the streets with some boy then you'll have to worry about me more than your mom."

"Running with boys? Like, how can we run if it's too dark out to see where we're going? And like why would we run on the street instead of the sidewalk where it's safe?" Leni asked. She hated pretending she was dumber than she really was, a bad habit she had been using around her family, but it had its benefits sometimes. Her dads face softened a bit.

"Promise me you weren't doing anything you shouldn't have been?" Lynn Sr. asked. Leni held out her pinky, and her dad reached out and hooked his pinky finger with hers.

"Promise." Leni whispered. Lynn patted his daughter on the head.

"Then why have you been crying sweetie?" He asked. Lynn Sr. tightened his robe strings around himself and shuffled around to sit down slowly next to his second daughter, eyeing her suspiciously "Was it a boy?"

"I told you I promised it wasn't a boy." Leni reminded him. "It's not important."

"Was it a girl?" He asked, his heart racing. "I won't be mad if it was."

' _Is this it?'_  He thought. ' _Out of all twelve girls Leni's the gay one?'_

"No!" Leni said louder than she thought. "Well… You remember Antonio's?"

Leni's dad scratched the stubbled hairs on his chin, then scratched his head.

"No? Who is he?" He asked.

"The place in the mall, the one with the clothes and all that. Remember?" Leni asked, her heart falling a bit. Lynn Sr. still looked just as confused as before.

"Yes?" He lied.

Leni just sighed and supported her head with her hands. Of course he didn't, she was the only one who really ever went there.

"It closed down." Leni could feel herself tearing up a bit. "It totes meant a lot to me."

Leni leaned her head against her dad's shoulder. Lynn Sr. honestly didn't have too many interactions with Leni, and he felt bad about it. It was like he remembered a happy young girl just starting the first grade, and now in about a year she would be legally an adult. One of these days he'd have to treat her to a ' _father and second oldest daughter day out'._

"Don't make a mistake Leni, i'm very disappointed that you broke the rules by staying out so late. You know the no matter what day it is you've gotta be back at the house by ten-thirty." Her dad scolded, Leni nodded in agreement. "But we'll keep it between us this time. You gotta promise me you'll be home on time from here on out. You never usually break the rules, plus you're an angel so i'm going easy."

Leni nodded her head, and her dad gave her one last hug. If only he'd known a lot of the bad things she's done, or that happened to her. She wasn't an angel any more.

"You should get to bed, but if you take an hour or two to watch T.V. and calm down, I won't say anything." Lynn said with a wink. He got up from the couch and started to saunter back to his bedroom.

"Dad?" Leni asked. He stopped cold in his tracks and turned back to face his daughter.

It was a long-shot but Leni was so close to coming clean about everything. All she had to do was go upstairs and bring down her dairies. The short conversation with her dad inspired hope within Leni that he would believe her. She was so close yet…

"Have a totes goodnight and thank you." Leni said.

"Goodnight sweetie. See you tomorrow." Her dad said, turning back to go to bed.

"Wait!" Leni whispered loudly. Her dad rubbed his face and turned around.

"What's up sweetie?" He asked tiredly.

"I can talk to you like, any time about  _anything_?" She asked. It was a particularly bold move of her to make but her dad was unwittingly helping her make it.

"Anything anytime." He confirmed. Lynn Sr. went back to studying her suspiciously, taking a few steps closer. "There something you need to say?"

"No. Just wondering. Goodnight now." Leni said. Lynn nodded slowly and finally when back to bed, stopping a moment at his door should his daughter call for him again; this time she had no more final statements to say.

When Lynn Sr. made it back to the confines of the room he shared with his wife, he dropped his robe and crawled back in to bed next to the love of his life. Instead of cuddling with her, he laid on his back and stared at the ceiling but found himself restless so instead he settled for sitting on the edge of the bed. Lynn Sr. was half asleep the whole time, barely staying awake to listen for his daughter coming home - - but now his dreary mind was thinking about his children.

He remembered talking to Lori about college earlier yesterday, and talking to Lincoln two weeks ago about an Ace Savvy comic. Lynn for some reason remembered Lola crying on her birthday since Pop-Pop couldn't get them a gift until the week after.

Suddenly Lynn was wide awake asking himself scary questions.

When had Leni gotten so old? When was the last time he had seen her cry? The only thing he could do just now was pat her on the head to comfort her. The most worrisome question was when was the last time he had an actual conversation conversation with her? Even now he almost got annoyed with her when she called for him that last time. Lynn Sr. hated admitting to himself that he had a harder time relating to her than the other kids, especially now that he was suspicious something was up with her. He was going to make sure he changed that.

He heard Leni starting up the stairs, then what sounded like her falling on them. Lynn jumped for his robe and was ready to go and check on her but relaxed when he heard her continuing up.

Leni...

In the end, the scariest thing of all to Lynn Sr. was the answer to each of those questions. He didn't know.

. . .

Leni watched her dad retreat back into his room and close the door before turning back around to face the T.V., it wasn't often she could have one on one time with one of her parents, never mind both of them. Even if Leni had gotten used to that, sometimes she found herself just wanting to talk to them about anything. The short conversation had slightly bettered her mood at least. It almost made her feel bad for saying she wished Antonio was her dad… almost - and Leni liked her dad far more than she liked her mom.

Leni picked up the T.V. remote, tempted to stay up just so that she didn't have to go to bed but couldn't find the motivation within herself to turn it on.

Instead she decided that if she was going to stay up she might as well get some of the negative emotions out of her body and into her diary. The bleach blonde picked up her bags and carefully stepped up the stairs, not wanting to make more noise than she had to.

Halfway up she stumbled, nearly falling. Leni managed to catch herself on the railing, trying to make her tumble as quiet as possible but a great deal of noise had still been made. Her heart was in her throat; it was all she needed for her dad to come back out, or even worse, her mom.

Instead of waiting to find out Leni continued her way up to and in to her room. As Leni opened the door to her room, the first thing she was looking for was whether or not Lori was already knocked out. To the young woman's relief, she was. Leni gently slid her bags under her bed, and pulled out the drawer to reach for her latest diary.

The book made a dull thud when Leni dropped it on her bed, a sound Leni guessed came from the weight of the words within. Leni flipped to the next blank page. She took a moment to ponder what she planned on writing but instead felt the heavy force of sudden sleep press down on her. Leni powered through and wrote the date and exact time.

' _Yesterday was the last day that Antonio's was in business... It's been awhile since I've written here about that place. I think I wrote in here the last time I was there. I'd have to go back and get the exact date but I know for sure that it's been a while. Anyways…'_

Leni continued writing, about the clothing shop, then about Carol, and then surprisingly enough to Leni, about her dad. She put down her pen for a moment to collect her thoughts but the heaviness of her eyelids made it hard not to pass out right away.

The conversation, albeit a short one, had made the young designer wish that she could be more loved by her family. Maybe she just wasn't trying hard enough?The reason for it didn't matter to her, all she knew is she wanted the outcome to change. There was a deep nagging feeling deep within Leni's gut that the real reason that nobody in the house was interested in her was because she was the least likable of all of the siblings - - but then again that was the reason nobody at school liked her so theoretically it would make sense it applied to her household.

There had to be a way to change that but Leni had already gone through so many changes over the years that she did not think it was worth the effort that she put in; the only ones that remained were the changes that Leni found had the most impact on her reputation. Acting stupid and acting nice.

Even when she was younger before the misery Leni pretended not to know things so that she could let people feel good explaining it to her. Eventually they really took her for being the stereotypical blonde she wasn't. Of course she was no Lisa but Leni was certain she came in second place… It's just when you're depressed and called retarded on the daily, it's easy to lose motivation to try and believe the lies. There had to be a part of the formula that she was missing.

At least she had just been bold asking if she could talk to her dad at anytime. That was a first step but Leni immediately regretted it. She had tried coming forward before and that didn't go so well, several times, what would make this time any different? Leni's hope shriveled a bit; if only her dad or someone could just read her mind and solve her problems for her.

' _Remember not to fall asleep until the dairy is put away… why do I call it a dairy when it's more of a book?'_  Leni's thoughts started changing every second as she crawled under her covers in an attempt to get more comfortable. She tried convincing herself that she wasn't going to fall asleep, but instead getting comfortable and just resting her eyes for a moment before continuing to write.

The moment her eyes closed like iron doors was the moment she realized her brain lied about staying awake. When they opened again the morning light was peaking through the curtains. Leni could feel a pounding headache coming on. She went to massage her temples when she realized she had her pen in her hand, which meant her journal was still out, which meant Lori - who could often be nosy - might have read it. Her fears were furthered by the fact that Lori wasn't even in the room, which meant Lori would have woken up, and on her way out the room seen Leni's journal.

Immediately Leni started looking for her journal, but it wasn't on her bed. She shifted to get off of her bed when she felt her foot brush something hard, and suddenly she was relieved. Leni threw off her covers to reveal her diary still on the same page that she left it on. Leni put it back in the secret hiding place when she realized she did not remember putting the drawer back in it's place last night. She thought she had left it out so that it'd be easier to put back away.

Leni chalked that part up to her just not remembering, but she really couldn't deal with Lori, or anyone for that matter, snooping around in there. Eventually she'd have to look for a new hiding place.

' _If Lori read all of the harsh things I wrote about her I wouldn't have to kill myself, she'd do it for me.'_ Leni thought, though, the same thing would probably go for all the names that appeared in Leni's books.

Leni stood up and stretched, easing the aching sensation of the muscles in her back all while catching a full view of herself in her mirror. In her sudden tiredness last night she had neglected to strip from her clothing… at least that meant less work for her to do now.

Leni walked slowly out of her room. Three weeks of boredom were ahead but usually she was used to doing nothing in her spare time - - winter break would be over before she knew it. Leni's premature Christmas wish was that this Christmas break wouldn't be like the others preceding it and would be filled with better memories. Leni knew she couldn't hang out with Carol everyday, but maybe two or three days would be nice.

Before long the fashionista found herself in the kitchen even though she was neither hungry or thirsty. Her eyes widened when she saw the time above the stove read one in the afternoon; even on days she stayed up all night she would still wake up at eight the latest.

Leni pushed that from her mind, remembering that more than half the siblings were gone. She walked back into the living room. Lola was sitting on the left side of the couch, beautifying her already naturally beautiful self. Lana was on the other side, playing with her frog. Lola saw Leni approaching form and turned her back to her older sister.

"Hey Lola, you look totes cute." Leni said. She could see Lola roll her eyes in her mirror.

"I'm not  _cute,_ i'm  _beautiful!_ You wouldn't know about that." Lola snapped. Leni wasn't taken aback, nor was she annoyed. It was something she had gotten used to, though Leni would be lying if she said it didn't hurt a bit coming from one of her sister.

"Did you like, wake up in the wrong bedside?" Leni wondered if that sounded dumb enough. It was probably going to make Lola annoyed but Leni had a persona to keep up around her family. "Where is everyone at?"

"Shut up, I woke up on the right side, you're the one being annoying!" Lola snarled. Leni could see Lana give her twin a nervous look. "Go bother Luna…"

"Well, like, Lana, do you know where everyone is?" Leni asked quietly. Lana shrugged.

"No idea, I just woke up. Luna might know, but do you wanna play with me and Hops?" She asked. Leni giggled, but shook her head.

"No thanks, maybe next time." Leni answered.

Honestly she didn't want to go upstairs to talk to Luna simply for the fact that she didn't want to go back up the stairs. Snow caked the ground outside, but the clouds were gone and the sun was radiant in the deep blue sky. It was a beautiful day outside today, and Leni actually felt like doing something - - like maybe sit outside and work on Lincoln's superheroes for him.

A little conversation with a sibling wouldn't hurt though, so Leni went upstairs. She would have to go upstairs anyways to get paper to draw so it would be best to kill two birds with a single stone. Plus she wanted to take a shower, so really it was more like three birds.

Leni made her way to Luna's door and listened for a moment. She heard the brunette practicing her songs. It was often that Leni's younger sister created songs that sounded pretty good, but this wasn't one of those times - and Luna realized that too and stopped singing her song immediately before playing a new one.

Leni gently knocked on the door.

"Come in dude!" Her sister said.

Leni looked around the room and how messy it was. Sometimes Leni was at odds with her older sister but she could appreciate having a roommate who liked to keep the room cleaned. Leni stepped meticulously through the mess, nearly tripping.

"Whatcha need dude?" Luna asked, intermittently strumming a random string while she waited for Leni to speak.

Leni shrugged. "Just wondering where everyone was."

"Well Lori is with Bobby, Luan had a birthday party, Lynn went to play sports, Lucy went to meet an author who's on tour in town. Lincoln is at Clyde's and Lisa is doing some science stuff. Mom and dad are at work." Luna answered, staring at Leni with a weird look.

"Ok, like totes thanks. That's all i needed to know." Leni said. She was just about to turn and leave when Luna spoke.

"But you ain't leaving yet dude." Luna demanded. "Now i've got questions for you. Please, have a seat."

Luna motioned for the beanbag surrounded by clothes. Leni reluctantly took a seat.

"So, why did you want to know where everyone was?" Luna asked, rubbing her chin, meanwhile Leni was at a loss for words. "Was it because… you wanted to invite over a certain girl."

Leni scrunched her brows and Luna smirked. "What do you mean?"

"You know what? I'm just going to cut straight to the chase instead of teasing you. I know your date yesterday was with a girl, not a guy like you said."

Leni's eyes were the size of saucers, the last thing she needed was for someone to actually think that she was romantically interested in Carol.

"How did you know it was a girl?" Leni asked, but Luna only had an unsurprised looked.

"You do realized that she didn't have tinted windows? And that the sun was still out? And it's only about thirty feet from the porch to the road? Leni, i'm not blind…" Luna answered.

"Well I-"

"Your secret's safe with me." Luna said standing up. She walked over to her older sister and unlocked her phone, putting the screen right in Leni's face. "We're the same."

Leni made no mistake about what the brunette was implying, especially since Luna's phone background was an image of her hugging some blonde girl with a teal streak in her hair… hugging her more tightly than friends would be. Leni looked past the phone and Luna looked sad.

"She's my best friend. Sam Sharp." Luna said. "She has a brother named Simon who's five years younger than her. Her favorite color is teal. She wears that teal jacket all the time because I picked it out for her a really long time ago. When she's not playing music she's writing it."

Leni nodded, unsure whether she should be flattered Luna trusted her enough to share something like this; especially since they really weren't the same as Luna thought they were.

"Like, if you need someone to talk to then, like, you can totes talk to me." Leni offered, giving Luna a sloppy smile.

"Good dude, cause I got a lot to say." Luna said. "Me and her, we've done a lot of things together, and I mean a lot, nothing bad though. We've just had a lot of adventures dude. It's basically like we're dating already, but not  _really_ dating, if you get what I mean."

"Does she like, feel the same?" Leni asked.

"How would I know? You just don't ask people that, they get pissed off for that kind of thing." Luna said. "But yes dude she does. I bet a hundred bones that she does."

"Then just ask her out. Call her right now" Leni said. Lori was better at this kind of thing, it's not like Leni had any experience at all even dating dudes. "She sounds like a very nice person."

"But what if she really doesn't though?" Luna worried, completely switching from the confidence she just had. "Should I call her and ask? No, i'm not. Should I?"

"Can I see your phone? I want to see what she looks like... again I mean." Leni asked. She would've hated if someone did to her what she was about to do to Luna, but a decision had to be made. When Luna handed Leni the phone, Leni opened Luna's contacts and pressed call under the contact ' _Sammy-Whammy'._ Leni handed the phone back to Luna, who's heart was beating fervently.

"Uh, Sam, well dude, like, I was wondering. If…. do you think we'd make a good couple? Why? Just wondering. What? No I just wasn't saying it directly just in case you wanted to reject me." Luna said. For a moment Luna said nothing as she walked around the room, but Leni could faintly hear Sam saying something on the other side of the phone.

"Oh. I see. Oh, ok." Luna looked to the ground. Leni was worried that she might have ruined the relationship between Luna and Sam. "Is it too early for that?"

Luna pivoted around on her feet, throwing glances at Leni all the while. Now Leni was certain she fucked up, in just a few moments Leni's relationship with her sister right below her in age had increased by leaps and bounds, and now it was rapidly swirling down the drain.

"Fine." Luna muttered. "Love ya too."

' _Love ya'_  was a good sign but the rest of it wasn't. Luna slowly lowered her phone and rubbed her face.

"So… like, what did she say?" Leni asked nervously.

"Guess who's got a girlfriend, dude?" Luna asked with a smile wide on her face. She pumped her fist in the air and walked over and rustled Leni's hair. "I'm going to wait until you leave to freak out. Oh my god, oh my god. We're the lesbian sister now dude. We gotta look out for each other."

"Actually… I'm not like one of those…" Leni came clean. Luna just shrugged.

"Then we're bisexual sisters, whatever you prefer to call yourself dude it's fine by me." Luna said. "Whoever that girl was, if you had to pretend that she's your boyfriend, then you're probably a little in to her."

Leni didn't say anything. She didn't think she was in to Carol, it was hard to relate to the older girl, and besides, some kids at school already roasted her for being gay and Leni had never even been with a girl - - if they caught her with a real girl, she couldn't imagine what it would be like.

"Have you come out yet? Like, besides to me?" Leni asked, to which Luna shook her head.

"If you don't come out dude, then i'm totally not. If people like you a lot and you're still afraid to come out then i'm not coming out.." Luna answered.

"But, like, I said-" Leni started.

"I know what you said." Luna cut her off. "You're an open book sometimes Leni. I could see it in your  _eyes_  yesterday dude. You're definitely in love."

Leni didn't  _like_ telling Luna how wrong she was, but Luna was indeed very wrong.

"Anyways, me and Sam agreed to keep it on the down-low for now, we just aren't ready to be public." Luna admitted. Leni could agree with that, but it was her duty as older sister to be supportive.

"You know, you should just like, start with your friends first, and if they accept you then you don't have to worry." Leni advised. "You need friends who can stand up for you."

"I've already said my piece, but I owe you one boss. You ever need help to hook up with that girl that's been picking you up, you've got a wing-man right here." Luna offered.

"She totes not into me." Leni replied.

"You're killing my mojo bruh. If she spends more time with you than her other friends, and more money on you than your other friends, and worries about you more than she worries about her other friends, she's probably in to you. Just think about it." Luna said. "But seriously, thanks for the talk, it's nice to come clean. Remember my offer, there's a lot of relationships who have me to thank. Even if you're just looking for a weekend fling, if you know what I mean."

Luna wiggled her eyebrow and Leni giggled.

"Totes no problem, anytime." Leni got up and stretched. "I'll think about your offer. Who knows, maybe it's time to not be totes lonely."

"Aww, don't say it like that dude, that makes it sad." Luna scolded, but Leni just smiled at her.

"I'm gonna take a shower, and if anyone picks on you then i'll beat them up." Leni said even though Luna just rolled her eyes."It's true, I really can fight! Now see ya."

Leni was feeling surprisingly elated after that conversation. Even if the fashion designer knew the feeling wouldn't last forever and the depression would come back, she wasn't letting it stop her from feeling happy for now at least.

Leni got herself a change of clothes, and a towel. A nice, long hot shower would be nice after being in that dirty room, plus the fact that she hadn't been able to take a shower yesterday either didn't help her feeling grimy.

She walked into the bathroom and stripped of all her clothing. She posed in the mirror, admiring her too skinny and too scarred body, but she couldn't stop smiling. Suddenly, there was a really loud and high pitched scream coming from down the hall, and Leni smiled even harder - - this must've been what Luna was talking about when she said she didn't want Leni to see her react.

Leni took a deep breath, wishing she could be happy like this every day of her life. She turned on the hot water and gave it a few minutes to warm up. Leni closed the toilet seat and sat down while the cold water gradually grew steamy.

' _What if I did take Luna up on her offer.'_  Leni thought. ' _Could I really be with a girl?'_

Leni shook the thought from her head, and got in the steaming water. It burned, and Leni almost cried out, but she knew that her skin would get used to the heat. Leni slowly turned in the water, rising every nook and cranny of her body before she lathered up.

As Leni reached for the body wash, the bathroom door flew open with an extremely loud 0' _BANG'._ Leni had never moved as fast as she did now. Leni quickly covered herself with the shower curtains, more worried about covering her scars that she did her woman parts.

"Dude, guess who's got a date tonight?" Luna yelled. "You gotta tell me what to wear. What do I do?"

Leni took a moment to let her thoughts catch up with her.

"It's just like any other time you've gone out with her before you were dating. Be yourself." Leni told her.

"Wish me luck dude, if it pays off I owe you even bigger." Luna said, darting off and slamming the door behind her. Leni did a double take when she saw that Luna had opened the door with such force that doorknob when straight through the wall.

'Oh well, not _my monkey, totes not my zoo.'_  Leni thought, though she did feel bad that it was additional stress on her mom and dad.

Luna was already on a date and she just asked her out less than an hour ago. Leni wished she could be as confident as Luna - - no, she wished she was as confident as  _herself_ when she was advising Luna.

' _What if she did get me a real date with Carol?'_ Leni thought. Her brain couldn't fathom how that would work. There's no way Leni would risk asking Carol out and having her friend think she was a weirdo.

' _If liking girls makes you a weirdo then is Luna a weirdo?"_  Leni argued with herself. ' _No, just yourself.'_

' _It's not wrong to want somebody…"_ Leni thought, her heart rate picking up. ' _But what about everything they've done to me… bullying… mean words… if it's a girl or a guy, you're going to be ostracized."_

Leni sat down in the shower, bitter at that thought. ' _I don't want to be Lonely Leni anymore.'_

 _'Luna, think about Luna and how you helped her.'_  Leni attempted to change her thoughts away from negative thoughts, away from herself. Slowly but surely it worked and Leni's mood raised back up.

' _You might be lonely, but Luna isn't thanks to you.'_  Leni consoled herself. She lathered herself up, cleaning herself and then washing her hair. By time she got out the blond was feeling much cleaner than before; and were few positive entries in her journal.

Today was a day she could add another.

**A/N: Four reviews every chapter is pretty nice, maybe eventually it'll be five. I appreciate all the reviews I get, they help me stay motivated. Let's see if the next chapter comes just as fast as this one, I bet most of you were actually expecting it to be in a month or two.**

**JamesGhor1886: It's pretty nice to see you back! It'll be a bit before we get to the end of Leni's story, but like this chapter shows im updating faster now. I hope the ending will be up to your standards.**

**HollowfiedOtaku: Yeah, i thought that a positive character in Leni's life will help even out the negativity.**

**Classicfilmfan: Thanks for your support, your reviews are motivation to me.**

**Hatoralo: Much faster development, but also much more in-depth development. Thanks for supporting my story!**


	5. Christmas

**A/N: We had seven reviews last chapter, that was pretty amazing. I'm not counting on you guys giving me that many reviews time but if we reach that amount again i'd be grateful. Here it is, chapter five rewritten and hopefully better than the original, though to be honest chapter five was one of the weakest chapters of the original, review responses in their usual place.**

* * *

_Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except young Leni Loud._

_Eight in the evening, and the kids were asleep, they went to bed early, to wake for bright Christmas treats - but young Leni Loud, who would seldom dream, was sweating in terror, with chains at her feet._

Leni was having a full on panic attack. She had found herself chained to a cold stone table, in a room of infinite darkness. Her hands and feet had been chained by thick rusted metal that extended beyond Leni's sight through the endless dark. A looming figure materialized over her, towering taller than any real man could. A chorus of disembodied voices sang around her.

_Ol' Saint Nick has come to play. Ol' Saint Nick._

The figure's massive hand reached down towards Leni and she screamed. Before the hand made contact Leni woke up sweating profusely - - and then she saw there really was a figure looming above her; Leni didn't like where this dream was heading.

Leni was in such a state of fear she couldn't even scream, but she did end up flailing around and kicking the intruder square in the ribs. They fell back with a thud and gasping for air. Leni used the confusion to correct her positioning on her bed, crouching on it and ready to run.

"Geez, easy Leni it's me" Lynn Sr. wheezed, holding his hands in front of himself to defend from anymore attacks.

Leni went to her father's side, surprised Lori was still asleep throughout the ruckus she just caused.

"Dad? Is that you?" Leni asked. Despite helping him sit up she was still wary of whatever was going on; last thing she needed where it was a plot twist where her 'dad' ended up being stranger being wearing a mask of her father.

"I told you I was going to treat you to a ' _father-and-second-oldest-daughters day'_ -er,  _night,_  out?" Her dad asked. Leni shook her head still looking as confused and tired as ever. "Well I thought it, and that's what counts right kiddo?"

Leni could only stare at him, still waking up from her short slumber.

"Come on Leni, you wanna come with me?" Lynn Sr. whispered. Leni just crawled back in bed and shook her head. Of course she had been having a bad dream before her dad kindly woke her up but chances where that when she went back to sleep she wouldn't have any dreams; plus she was tired.

Her dad literally got down on his knees and almost started crying just to convince his daughter. "Leni, you don't know what I had to do to convince your mom to let me do this, please, Leni."

Leni felt a pang of guilt in her heart. She could just imagine all sorts of things her father would do to convince her mom, and if he had to work hard to convince her mom then she was probably trying hard to convince him not to do whatever this was.

"Like, that totes sounds like fun." Leni yawned, really trying to combat her tiredness. "Why not, like, take Lori or something and let me sleep."

"Cause," Lynn claimed with exasperation. "When was the last time we hung out? And you're the girl who knows what's good for everyone."

Lynn Sr. looked at his watch. "There's only four hours or so until midnight, which means Christmas. Once it's Christmas, how long do you think it's gonna take kids start waking up once the clock hits twelve? Two? Three hours? You gotta help me make Christmas perfect."

Leni finally found some energy to sit back up on her bed.

"Fine... I'll get ready fast."

. . .

Lynn Sr. was waiting in the van with the heater running while he waited for his daughter. The father of eleven was ecstatic when his second eldest daughter was letting him take her out on the town to help him with some last minute Christmas shopping. It had been what? Ten days since Leni came home late? Ten days of Lynn Sr. overthinking about what might even be nothing.

But his dad senses were tingling, and they never lied once in the seventeen years he's been a father. His senses were always tingling, kids where always up to something, even around Lily in some cases, but what Lynn Sr. only recently realized that the absence of his dad sense around one of his kids was a warning sign. The only time he figured this out was about ten days ago, but it made him feel like it was something he always noticed without giving a second thought.

Leni was… Leni. She always seemed happy, careless about any problems but caring about her siblings. Lynn started more attentive and it was only then that he realized how quiet Leni was, how often she preferred to be by herself. Even in a full room she'd linger just a couple more inches away than usual, like she wasn't supposed to be there. You wouldn't notice it if you weren't looking for it.

" _You know she's a thoughtful person, nothing's wrong with her!"_ Rita had yelled at him one night when he wouldn't shut up about his multiple Leni theories. After that outburst she covered her mouth with her hand and relaxed. " _We've got twelve kids to take care of, and we do. All twelve of them. They know they can come to us if they need us."_

Lynn's defenses had gone up but he didn't say anything else to her. He would never tell his wife she was wrong, but he could definitely think it.

' _When did we ever go to our parents as kids?'_  Lynn thought to himself. The answer was never, even when he and Rita were kids, when they had personal problems they wouldn't go to their parents so why would they expect their kids to?

He did somewhat agree that there wasn't really a big problem with Leni, but there was something. If Lynn had to guess, he really thought Leni was interested in a boy. He knew how the other kids would act if they found out she had a boyfriend, they might be supportive, but there would also be a lot teasing, it's just how the kids were.

It might've sounded mean in the wrong context but Lynn wasn't too worried about Leni's small problem - - if there was a boy involved he knew she would be safer than Lori would, and the oldest loud was one of the safest people he knew; Leni was stronger than she looked. It was  _his_ problem with their relationship, and how he might miss bigger problems Leni has if he was already missing the smaller problems.

' _I'm lucky she's naturally a happy person.'_  Lynn thought. ' _If Leni Loud of all people were depressed, then…'_ Lynn paused. ' _Remember that time she got into a fight though?'_

It had happened about a year and a half ago and they were so disappointed in their daughter, but Lynn often wondered what had to happen in order to make Leni fight; their daughter never did tell them after all.

Lynn looked at his watch, he had been waiting nearly fifteen minutes for her to get outside and in Vanzilla with him. Another minute passed by time his fashionista walked out of the house and hopped into the passenger seat of the van. Lynn took an extra second to look at her and make sure she was fine, and she did - - the person who got in his van was Leni Loud everyone knew, always smiling, always fine.

"About time Leni, by the way, what time is it?" Lynn asked. Leni went to check her phone but Lynn answered for her. "Eight-thirty-five. I forgot I just checked my watch."

Leni giggled, but didn't say much otherwise as Lynn Sr. pulled out of the driveway.

"So how're you doing kiddo?" Lynn Sr. asked to try to start a conversation, anything to end the silence.

"I'm fine. Not really much going." Leni answered.

There was that word, it always 'fine'. Lynn wondered if it was even possible for his second daughter to feel any other emotions, he asked her that question every day for the past few days and the answer was always the same - - he  _wished_  she would say anything different, but like he always told himself about his gut, when he had a feeling something was up, it was usually right.

"That's good." Lynn Sr. said. He clicked his tongue and sighed, before reaching for the radio. He stopped his hand and brought it back to the wheel.

"Like, why not turn on the music thing?" Leni asked, studying her dad. He shrugged.

"Hardest choices require the strongest of wills sweetie, but this was an easy choice. I'd rather talk with my own daughter rather than listen to some autotuned schmuck." Lynn answered.

Leni could feel her father's word pulling at her heart strings. Leni suspected something was up with him. He would never fail to ask her how she was doing and even though Leni answered the same thing every day he still asked.

She was worried he knew something she didn't want him too; the more people who were aware of Leni's…  _situation_ , the more complicated it got. They had their chance to help her, Leni would rather work on the problem herself than have her family give her hope just to end up a disappointment.

"That totes nice. Well like," Leni looked out the window at the passing street lights, unsure of what she should say. "Why did we have to leave at night time again?"

"You know how the kids are, going to bed early Christmas eve to wake up early Christmas, you know what would've happened if we tried to go out while everyone was awake." Lynn Sr. said.

"Like, the van would be packed right now." Leni said, and her dad hummed in agreement. The other siblings had no self control, if they had the chance they would have forced their dad into letting them come with, and end up making him spend more money than he should have.

"I love them but sometime you just need a little break, you know? You've been stuck at the house, at least everyone else has hobbies they can all go do so i thought i'd give you a break." Lynn paused to catch his breath. "Your mom needs a break too, things are hard for her right now."

Leni felt goosebumps all across her arms and legs. "They are?"

"Yeah. Things are a little rough at the dental office right now. There's a new assistant, some numbers aren't adding up with the company's cash flow, your mom is getting some of the blame, and but still working overtime." Lynn informed her. "It's a real long story, but Leni i'm asking you this personally because I know your the best kid at being good. If your mom needs something, or if you see anything that needs to be done, please do it. Your mom needs all the help around the house."

"I promise. Like, I feel bad for her." Leni said, only feeling partially bad about her mother's situation. She really didn't want her mother to lose her job though - the family was poor enough, plus that meant Leni would have to be around her mother more.

"That's good to hear since i'm going to have to start more taking more hours and longer shifts. I'm so close to buying land and starting the building of my own restaurant." Lynn squealed in a way that made Leni laugh out loud. The rest of the drive was made up of Lynn Sr. talking about how his restaurant would work and Leni rarely giving her own input, but Lynn was just glad she was talking at all.

The young girl never asked where they were going, but she was definitely wondering. When tall buildings started to tower over them, Leni realized they had entered downtown royal woods. It was not often any of the Louds ever came here. A lot of the buildings were closed down and their windows dark due to the holidays, though they reflected light from other buildings and the cars below.

It was a magical sight. Lynn Sr. laughed to himself when he saw Leni's looked of amusement, it definitely made the twenty minute drive worth it. Even late at night there was always traffic in downtown Royal Woods.

"And we are here." Lynn said as they pulled into a parking space. "The Royal Woods outlets."

Leni tried to credit herself with being emotionless except for the occasional sadness, but being in the Royal Woods outlet made her a little excited. Seeing all the various designer stores lined up got Leni's heart beating, bringing out her inner fashionista. She tried not to let it show and instead focus on the non-clothing stores, almost regretting how she tried so hard to convince her parents she didn't want anything for Christmas - - classic Leni making decisions that would later screw her over.

"Alright kiddo, We still need one more gift for Lori, Lynn, and Lincoln." Lynn Sr. said. Leni nodded, her heart dropping upon realizing that her name could've been added to that list.

The walked around, trying to think of appropriate gifts. Leni suggested they get Lori a new golf club set from the sports store since the oldest loud was always complaining about what she already had, and get Lynn some new protective gear since they had already got her various new sports equipment. The total for the both of their gifts was nearly a hundred dollars.

They almost walked all the way to a comic book store down the road when Leni suggested they just get him a video game instead, something that would give the boy far more enjoyment. In total the costs for the remaining three gifts of the Louds was around one-hundred-fifty dollars, an amount that made Leni glad she had taken a noble route.

"This is so fun. It makes me totes happy being out. Like, I love the city at night." Leni admitted as the night got later. Lynn smiled wider than he had before.

'Wow, you mean to say your just not feeling fine?" Lynn joked. His stomach grumbled loud enough for Leni to hear. "You hungry too, kid?"

"A little." Leni answered, even though she really wasn't. She had gotten used to not eating too much, she never really felt hungry but Leni forced herself to eat enough to stay alive.

"Well, let's see what we've got around here." Lynn said. They settled on Chick-fil-a instead of one of the many expensive restaurants around; most of them were closed anyways.

They sat down at a table until their food was brought to them. Lynn Sr. consumed his sandwich as he told Leni of Christmas tales from when he was a kid, whereas Leni had only ate a small part of her chicken-wrap, preoccupied by her recurring lonely thoughts.

"You're not eating?" Lynn asked, snapping Leni out of her thoughts. He wiped his fingers on his napkins. "I knew something has been bothering you. Go on, tell dad."

"Oh, I was just thinking about stuff." Leni said, causing her father to raise a brow. "Like, how did you know you were in love with mom?"

Lynn was surprised, none of the kids asked him much about him relationship with their mother. Lynn thought about teasing his daughter but decided that it was a time to give an honest answer. "I know you might've been expecting a better answer, but I just did over time. It's not something you realize one day. It's something you look back on and realize you've been in love the whole time. Like, of course there's the initial burning infatuation love, but after that is the genuine, passionate love that you only realize over time. What made you ask?"

"Nothing really." Leni shrugged, unable to keep her face honest this time.

"I know the truth Leni. You can't really hide that kind of thing from a dad." Lynn scolded, and Leni paled even more than she was.

"Dad… I-" Leni started, but her dad cut her off.

"You fell in love with a boy." Lynn finished. "I know, you promised me you didn't like a boy or a girl but I could read the signs."

"It's not a guy… and i'm not in love. Just… interested." Leni answered. Lynn looked shocked, having his suspicions partially confirmed, but Leni thought the expression was something different. "Sorry, please, like, forget what I said."

"No, no, i'm not mad." Lynn quickly apologized. "Talk to me sweetie. It's perfectly normal, just like liking a boy but with a girl. Except you can't get pregnant so that's a plus."

Leni took a bite of her wrap to stall for time. "Well, I don't know if I like,  _really_ , like them. I don't know them that well but like, they're still a good friend, but like-"

"You want to take things a step further? Know them more than friends?" Lynn suggested, trying to help Leni compile her thoughts.

"I guess." Leni shrugged. "Like, seeing Lori happy with Bobby like, makes me kinda want to try that too. It totes sucks being Lonely Leni."

Lonely Leni? Lynn's suspicions of his daughter grew ever so slightly, maybe Leni just made a self-deprecating joke, or maybe she had said that for a reason. Either way, it wasn't something that his Leni would say.

"Alright, so just tell me from the beginning. You just want to have a girlfriend?" Lynn Sr. asked.

"I don't know… do I?" Leni asked.

"You know what? Just go for it." Lynn Sr. decided. Leni found it strange how accepting her dad was - everyone always had a problem with anything she did.

"Maybe. I don't wanna get picked on or anything." Leni said. Every time she opened her mouth to say something, Lynn could feel his unease growing. There was something about Leni that showing through that was normally not there. Now that Lynn could take a good look at Leni's face…

"Are you sure you're fine Leni? You look a little sick." He confronted his daughter noticing how gaunt her face was even with all that make-up.

"Just a little stomach bug. Like, it's making it hard for me to eat." Leni said, holding her chicken-wrap up.

"Well then I guess we better go home. Just remember that I'm always here for you, whether its a boy or a girl, your the best daughter a dad could ask for. You better know that I just don't want any 'wild' stuff happening until you're at least eighteen; whether it be with a boy or girl."

"I think it was nice being out with you dad. Like, you're right when you said we don't hang out much." Leni said. Lynn Sr. felt hurt even though he said the same thing himself, simply because hearing someone else say the truth made it more of a reality.

"We should do this more often, and earlier in the day." He suggested. Leni smiled in agreement. "I'm gonna go use the restroom, and then we'll get out of here."

When he walked away, his phone on the table vibrated. Leni didn't mean to look, but she did, it's not like his phone had a password or anything. Instead of seeing what the actual notification was, Leni was more transfixed by what was already up on the screen, his last four google search.

' _How to better relate to my daughter.'_

' _Am I growing distant to my kids?'_

' _How to repair relationship with my kids'_

' _Five signs you are lacking as a father'_

Leni put his phone back, feeling bummed that her dad felt like he wasn't doing a good enough job. It in turn made her feel like she wasn't doing a good job as a daughter, and all things considered (especially a certain bridge incident) she probably wasn't. As her father walked back to the table, Leni saw him in a slightly different light - - a man who was trying to do the best for his kids with what he had.

"I almost forgot, we need one more present." Lynn remembered when he came back to the table. He pushed in his seat and cleaning up their spot before they left.

"For who?" Leni asked. She was betting it was for Lori, the favorite child.

"You."

"But I said th-"

"I know what you said Leni," Lynn was exasperated. "Trust me, you don't have to tell me what you said cause I wouldn't forget, ever. I'm telling you, i'm getting you a gift whether you like it or not."

Leni sighed, she really thought she did a good enough job drilling through his skull that she was wantless.

"Look at all these stores, look over there are world famous fashion designers. You're telling me you could just pass those up? You don't want any of them?" Lynn asked. Leni nodded. "Either you pick something or I'll pick for you."

"Ok, you can pick. Like, I just think it has more meaning. But like, please make it cheap. Lori's and Lynn's and Lincoln's gifts were totes expensive, and those were only one gift for each of them like, and everybody in the entire house got three gifts each." Leni shuddered at the thought of how much it must've costed.

"Leni, everyone could only get three good gifts this year because you didn't want any gifts, you know that right? I made a bigger bonus at work this year, sure, but you made everyone else get a little extra. I don't think they'll ever really be grateful for it, but I think you deserve something." Lynn Sr. said. "You're still in to fashion design right?"

Leni nodded.

"Good," Lynn Sr. stated. "Cause I already got you a gift kiddo. I got you some markers and good paper I was just trying to trick you into getting another gift, but since you said I could choose, then i'll get you another one. We've gotta go fast before the shops close."

Leni let her dad pull her around wherever he wanted as she tried to remember when he had time to sneakily purchase a gift for her. Her heart was crossed with hope that it wasn't expensive. If it was and then later down the line the family ended up financially short for whatever may happen, Leni would be angry.

"I saw this earlier and thought of you." Lynn Sr. pointed towards a silver and gold hair pin locked behind a reinforced glass case, it was then inches long, pointed at the bottom and the top fashioned to resemble a plain yet somber face surrounded by rue flowers. "Well, actually I mostly liked the dark silver and the bright gold. I like when you have your hair up, reminds me of your mother when she was younger. Maybe you'll be inspired to do your hair more often."

Leni thought it was beautiful, like a magical family heirloom from a fairy-tale. But this was a designer store - - the price was probably going to be high enough to bankrupt the family for the next decade.

"Dad, like, can you afford that?" Leni asked. Suddenly the room grew fifteen degrees and Leni was sweating on a mid-winter's night.

"Well, what do you kids call it these days? I have to 'flex'." Lynn tried to say like he was still hip.

Leni cringed, but her dad didn't seem perplexed by anything. Leni was looking for the price but the thing about places like this was there were no price tags - if you were going to come in here, you knew you either had the money to get what you want, or you didn't. It was that simple, if you had to ask for the price then you probably couldn't afford it.

"Go start the car sweetie. I'll get this taken care of." Lynn Sr. told her, and for a short period Leni was worried he was going to steal it, but there was no way he'd do that.

Leni walked out and got in the van, feeling very nauseous. She didn't want to know what the price of the hair pin was going to be, if she did she would have to kill herself just to get her dad to refund it. Leni started biting her nails.

' _Quit with the noble act.'_  An inner voice said from within her. ' _You know you really liked that pin. Even if it were five hundred bucks you know you want it.'_

Her inner voice tried to chastise her, but Leni actually agreed. It was a beautiful pin, it would be Leni's most prized possessions. Admitting that though meant that Leni acknowledged she had her own selfish side that she thought (or rather, hoped) she had gotten rid of.

She was just as bad as the siblings that she simultaneously loved and despised. She took a deep breath, trying to relax a little.

' _It'd be a shame if I let my anxiety ruin a good night'_  Leni thought. She wasn't going to think about the price. She wasn't going to think about anything except how nice it'll be to use the markers that her dad got her to get back in to fashion design.

It didn't take long for her dad to come out of the store, jogging to the car to quickly get out the freezing cold.

"Sheesh, it's actually heavier than it looks. You could hurt someone with it if you wanted too." Lynn said. Leni went to reach for the bag when her dad cut her off.

"Ah, you know you have to wait for Christmas, just like everyone else. You're gonna help wrap the presents right?" Lynn asked.

"Totes. Tonight made me very happy so I owe you one; thanks dad." Leni said.

On the ride home, it was surprisingly Leni who did most of the talking, albeit it was mostly fashion talk that Lynn didn't know anything about, but also a few things that he didn't know about his daughter, like her favorite designer brand, what kind of books she's been reading, hobbies she wished she could get in to.

Then she started talking about the girl that she may or might not have had a crush on but was interested in dating, and Lynn could tell that Leni was more in to this girl than she let on - - the longer the fashionista went on about her, the harder Leni was falling. It highlighted the fact that he didn't know much about her. Tonight might've been expensive but Lynn actually felt like he was doing something right for once.

"That hair pin was expensive so don't lose it, but it's also a good luck charm. If you ever ask that girl out, make sure you're wearing that hair pin." Lynn said. "You're not gonna be Lonely Leni even if she says no, so i don't want to hear you say any thing like that again."

Leni nodded, glad that her dad didn't know any more, otherwise he might regret spending money on someone like her, but what she didn't know was her father was thinking the exact opposite. He didn't know for sure if Leni was hiding something more or if it was just the whole thing about the girl she liked, but if she was then he would do some detective work, because one way or another he would get the whole truth.

. . .

When Leni had promised her father that she would help him with finishing wrapping the gifts, she had inadvertently lied. It was almost midnight when they got back home, and instead of helping she crashed on the couch near immediately.

Her slumber was dreamless but quick, there was no other way for it to be. It was Christmas after all and the sound of ten other kids stampeding like wild animals downstairs would be enough to wake the heaviest of sleepers. They rushed towards the gifts under the tree, wasting no time in tearing them open.

One thing that Leni found funny and terrible at the same time was the large boxed present for Lori that had been sitting there for a day, was actually her boyfriend Bobby Santiago. He had Lori a special gift basket shipped all the way from Mexico. Leni found it amazing that he had left all the food in the basket untouched, his willpower strong enough to prevent himself from getting in to Lori's gift, even if it meant that he spent the whole time starving, though Leni realized that he could've easily gotten out if he  _really_  wished.

Leni simply waited for the rest of the kids to get their gifts. Before she went up to grab her two. When she moved some discarded wrapping paper, Leni found more presents than she was expecting with her name on them.

Leni scooped them up in her arms and retreated outback away from the chaos. The first gift was the marker set from her father that she had yet to see. Leni carefully unwrapped the box, a set of eighty pro-markers, and some quality paper to use them on - these had to be expensive,

She moved on to her next present, a smaller, rectangular box from  _Charlie P._ , which Leni guessed was really Carol. She repeated the same opening process as before, and revealed a golden locket in the shape of a heart. A note was attached to it, warming Leni's heart.

' _I couldn't remember what you said my boyfriend name was, Charlie, Carola? Something like that but here's some gifts. Before you even think it, yes, I know, you didn't want anything but Christmas is Christmas for a reason. I didn't really know what you would like so i got you a necklace - - i know you also don't like a lot of money spent (but then again anything above thirty bucks is expensive to you) on you so it was only twenty bucks. And I got you a book too, it's my favorite. Read it or not, it's up to you, though it would be nice to have somebody to talk to it about. Merry Christmas, also i'm stopping by sometime to get my jacket. See ya!'_

Carol thought she was smart trying to trick Leni in to believing it was only twenty bucks, but the price tag on the bottom of the box said seventy. Leni opened the locket and in it was a picture of her and Carol. Leni struggled for a couple moment before she got the necklace clasped around her neck. She then unwrapped the book, before setting it aside. From what Leni got from the back summary, it was a fantasy book, which meant Carol had an inner nerd.

' _Maybe she'd get along with Lincoln,'_  Leni thought. Her heart skipped a beat when she picked up the fourth gift, a box sent by the one and only  _Antonio G.,_ wrapped in paper designed with two mirrored G's interlocking with each other. Leni could guarantee that the wrapping paper alone was worth more than the clothes she was wearing.

She opened the gift slowly, and opened the box to reveal her gift, a watermelon shaped purse with the same logo as the wrapping paper.

' _Leni, I might not be there physically, but you know I am always there in spirit. I've seen you grow and I've seen your hardships and how many of them you've overcome; you are like a granddaughter to me. If you need anything, you can call on me and I'll help you out. I had this custom made for you, it pays to have connections, I know you'll cherish it. If things are still troubling you, write me anytime, as many times as you like. I know we'll see other again one day, and it'll be my honor. I look forward to your letter._

Leni admired the purse, it was softer than anything she knew, but as expected of something with the Gucci brand name on it, especially a custom made to Antonio's specifications. She kept the envelope the card came in, she'd have to write back to Antonio as soon as the post office opened back up.

Leni finally picked up the last gift, the hair pin that her father had got her - - it looked even more beautiful with the light of the rising sun reflecting off it's dual colored surface. She poked at her finger with the tip, and it was indeed sharp enough to prick her finger and draw a dot of blood. She wiped it on her shirt, careful not to get it on her new purse. She really was glad that nobody took her advice this time and got her gifts anyways. If Leni had to guess, her gifts were worth as much if not more than all the gifts everybody else in the house received.

Which meant there was a huge chance they would get ruined. The general rule of thumb in the house was the more expensive something was, the higher the chances it would get ruined sooner. Leni put her hair pin in it's box, then in her purse with Carol's book. She hid her necklace behind her shirt and, which meant the only things she couldn't hide were her makers and her purse.

Leni stealthed back into the house, careful not to draw suspicion to herself - - but she knew how her luck has been lately. As soon as she made it passed the dining room table she looked up to see Lori right in her face.

"Is that a Gucci bag?" Lori gasped, grabbing the bag without even asking Leni. "How did you get this? I know you don't have really any friends, let alone any rich ones."

Leni wanted to grab the bag from her sister, but couldn't find the courage, worried that Lori might not give it back willingly before she finished her examination and worried that trying to take it back might damage it.

"I need it back Lori." Leni told her.

"Just a second." Lori said. "Is it real?"

"Please? Can I have it back? My friend Antonio got it, like custom made for me. It's totes a lot of money." Leni whispered.

"You mean that old dude from forever ago? Literally a little creepy some old dude got you something so expensive." Lori muttered, tossing coal on the fire that was Leni. At that point Leni snatched it back from Lori, regardless of the chances it may be damaged.

"Shut up!" Leni snapped, surprising even herself and Lori more so. Of course she was annoyed but she didn't know where the hidden anger came from. "He's not creepy, you're just jealous that I know people who can get me good things!"

Leni walked away as fast as she could but she wasn't quick enough to get out of earshot from Lori.

"You're jealous that I have a boyfriend and you're always going to be Lonely Leni, Lonely Leni, Lonely Leni!" Lori retorted. It was as if their father had teleported, because suddenly he was instantly in between the two oldest loud children. On any other day the other children would have gathered around.

"Lori." Lynn said sternly, "Apologize, that was very uncalled for."

"But I-" Lori started, but one look at her father's grim face shut her up. "I'm sorry Leni, I didn't mean it. Are you going to make her say sorry too?"

"Leni, remember the talk we had earlier. Apologize to your sister please." Lynn asked in a nicer tone than he used with Lori.

"Sorry." Leni said quickly and insincerely. Her kind nature went missing for a moment and Leni couldn't find it fast enough. "Sorry you're such a mean person."

"Leni!" Lynn Sr. said. He turned towards Lori to make sure she wasn't going to say anything back.

"Can I leave now? Me and Bobby want to get back to his place and celebrate Christmas with his family." Lori said. "I already forgive Leni for her outburst."

"But tradition! You won't help your mom make all the family recipes?" Their father asked, ever so temporarily forgetting about Leni's outbursts.

"Leni would be glad to help! Isn't it time the 'sacred recipes' gets passed down to her?" Lori responded before she left.

"Leni won't do it. You know how she gets with cooking!" Lynn Sr. called after her. He sighed. "We'll Leni, you know what that-"

Lynn Sr. turned to his other daughter but she was already gone, then he heard a door upstairs slam shut. It was only six in the morning, and he was already hoping that no more unwanted drama came up. It really was going to be a Loud Christmas.

"I hope Luna's ready to Learn.

. . .

Leni was more annoyed than she felt she should've been but she couldn't help it. The high that she felt from receiving the heartfelt gifts from those close to her had faded. Lori… Leni didn't hate anyone, but Lori was really getting there. ' _Lonely Leni'_  Lori had called her - she sounded like the kids at school, that was probably where Lori picked it up from. They way she chanted it over and over again made Leni feel like she was helpless again at the jeers of the ruthless students.

Now Leni just felt sad. If she had it her way, nobody would ever say anything about her, she hated it when people called her names for no reasons. Leni was coming to terms that she was going to be alone for a while but it didn't mean she liked people calling it out. She just wished there was somewhere safe for her.

Her dad asking her to apologize was extra salt in the wound, but Leni sniffled when she remembered that her father asked her to keep the peace in the house and not cause more stress… but he did say that he didn't believe Leni wasn't ready to learn the family recipes - not that she wanted to anyways. Lori said something entirely worse and still go to go out and have the time of her life with her boyfriend. Leni didn't know what she expected, Lori and punishment don't go in the same sentence; Lori would always win against Leni, especially since after this school year Lori won't even be in the house anymore, she'll be able to say anything she wants.

Lori was right about one thing though, often times Leni would find herself jealous of her older sister's relationship with Bobby - - the young designer would often find herself wishing they would break up just so she wouldn't have to be around it or other times - even though Leni never had a crush on, Bobby he was almost like another brother to her - Leni would imagine herself replacing Lori just so that she could imagine what it was like to be loved.

If Leni was really spiteful and Luna was really a pro match-maker, then she'd ask her younger sister to break up Lori and Bobby so that just for one day Lori would know what it would be Lonely Lori. Then again Lori had friends so she would never truly know how much her words hurt.

Her lonely thoughts continued to spiral downwards. She was grateful for the gifts, but no amount of material things could fix what was wrong with her mental health. Leni pulled up her sleeves and looked at her wrists, wondering how long it had been since she last cut, probably between a month or two. Leni got her hairpin out of her bag; it was sharp enough to carve new scars in to her flesh. Leni raised up the sharp metal and held it next to her hair instead of her wrist, admiring how the colors compliment each other.

She sat it down, doing her hair up in a bun, and pressed the hair pin through. Leni twisted her head in her mirror, admiring it from all sides. She pulled her necklace from under her shirt, now she might've looked rich if her face wasn't so gaunt or her clothes not so mundane.

Leni heard footsteps coming down the hall, and singing followed after - just the person that Leni wanted to see.

"Hey Luna could you come here?" Leni shouted. She wasn't sure if it was loud enough. Luna peeked through the door, studying Leni for a moment.

"You look totally sick dude, nice ice." Luna complimented. "Whatcha need dude?"

Leni looked down at the floor. "You were serious about getting me hooked up?"

"You know it dude. I've been the greatest wingman for anyone since middle school." Luna said.

"This one might be tough. Like, totes tough." Leni said and Luna smiled wide and shook her head. Leni was hopeful Luna's plan would actually work.

"Good, I think I like a challenge." Luna responded before rolling her eyes. "Anyways, I gotta help mom cook dinner… and it's only seven in the morning, you can tell how my day is going to go. At least Sammy is coming over, that'll make cooking somewhat bearable dude."

"I hope you don't let me down." Leni muttered as Luna waltzed out the room. Leni spent a moment more admiring herself; if Luna failed and Leni didn't even have Carol after all this, then the mirror she was looking in wouldn't have her reflection in it ever again.

It was time for her to finally murder Lonely Leni.

* * *

**A/N: This was a pretty Lynn centric chapter, he'll have an important role to play in the story and this chapter is meant to set him up . It might seem like so far there's only good things going for Leni but trust me, it'll still be just as dark. I don't know if im the only one who remembers Leni having a watermelon purse in one of the episodes, I can't really find anything on it. Have any Questions or Suggestions? Be sure to leave a review, they might inspire a future scene in the story. Review Responses:**

**FuturisticArtisticSoldier: Thank you for the kind words, this is going to be drastically different then the OG, and I think this chapter is the most changed so far.**

**Hatoralo: Trust me, how that gets handled is going to be interesting, thanks for the review!**

**Bonehead777: Thank you, that's what I was going for with a rewrite, making it more realistic.**

**Pricefield is my life: I think so too glad you think the same, thanks for the** **support**

**Hallowfied Otaku: I always like seeing your reviews. I'm glad you like that Leni has three people in her corner. I think i like that better than how it was in the original regrets.**

**Sombrage: I'm glad you like this interpretation. She'll have her moments, but overall she'll still be herself.**

**WizBiz709: Yeah, I think it's nice to have a parent on Leni's side, it adds more depth to the story, thanks for the review.**


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